Exploring Our Children’s Potentials

Sometime ago a friend of mine casually said, ‘When the baby no. 2 comes along later, I guess you won’t be able to go out of your house much, huh?’

If you ask me, right now I honestly can’t imagine how my days will be like later. Caring for a newborn AND a toddler. I know it’s going to be tough in those first weeks. Adjusting to a new lifestyle and daily schedule while coping with post-labour pain (and stitches!) at the same time.

There are a few things I know and am very grateful for, though:
– I know my hubby’s going to support and help out
– I know our family will most likely be able to take turns coming to Singapore and help us with stuff like the housework, the cooking, etc, for the first 4 weeks
– I also know that I wouldn’t want to be stuck at home ALL THE TIME, simply because I have kids.

Both Wilson and I somehow believe that we will and should keep on doing our necessary activities, even AFTER we have kids.

Of course, there’ll be adjustments, especially in that first month. But after that, we’d want to still go out, be involved in ministry at church and socialise (read: socialise doesn’t mean going to clubs or hanging out with friends till late at night though).

We believe that God blesses us with kids not so that we’re cut away from our friends, our social life, or worse, from God, who is the Giver of life Himself.

I know it’s not going to be easy though. Especially after those 4 weeks when we’re left all alone, just me, Wilson and the two kids.

But I somehow believe it’s not going to be impossible.

I’m ready to adjust my day schedule and adapt to a new lifestyle (I can already imagine myself pushing the pram with one hand and holding li’l Anya with the other, when the 3 of us goes out, hehe).

And for me to cope with everything, my involvement in running our business most likely needs to be cut down to zero too by then.

Motherhood will surely have an interesting new meaning to me later.

And we’ll just have to wait and see, I guess *smile*

In a couple of days I’ll be exactly 4 months pregnant. It’s alright so far. Bloating’s gone. Fatique is more or less non-existent. And I can go back to eating more home-cooked meals too! Yay!

Anya’s been adorable about the baby too. Each day she’ll ask, ‘Where’s Mommy’s tummy? I want to see ….!’ Then she gives my tummy a few gentle rubs while she smiles away. Aww.

And it’s true when people say you’ll be more relaxed when you’re pregnant the second time.

When I was pregnant with Anya, I thoroughly read ‘What to expect when you’re expecting‘ (an excellent book, btw). Everyday. And a few other pregnancy books too! (not to mention countless of related websites!)

Now, I’ve subscribed to babycentre.com‘s newsletter for Baby no. 2, but I haven’t really been reading my books though. Occasionally I browsed through some parenting websites, but that’s about it.

I guess I can say that with a toddler to care for each day (not to mention the hubby, the house, our business, etc), I’m now … ‘busier’ than the first time I was pregnant?

*tsk. excuses excuses*

I remember the first time I heard about these concepts on children education from Rev. Stephen Tong, someone whom I really respect and have learned a LOT from these past 7 years:

>> Parents need to be 100% strict with their below 3-year-old children

>> To be 75% strict when your children are between 3 – 6 years old

>> To be 50% strict when your children are between 6 – 12 years old

>> To be 25% strict when your children are between 12 – 18 years old

>> To give advice and basically give your children the freedom to choose and make their own decisions once they’re 18 years old.

I was 24 years old when I first heard that. Not yet married and just couldn’t quite understand what he meant with ‘being 100% strict’ with kids below 3 years old. Can we actually be that strict to someone so small, I thought?

It was only when I had Anya that I began to understand.

Many adults (and parents) often have the wrong concept of little kids :

– toddlers are ‘too young’ to understand anything
– because they are just ‘little kids’,there’s no need to be strict with them at all
– they ‘will understand what they need to do later on, ie. when they’re ‘older’
– kids are just so ‘young’, and parents simply don’t have the ‘heart’ to be strict with them
– parents (adults in general) just don’t want to see their child cry at all

As a full-time Mommy to a toddler, I can really really say that children are brilliantly smart, even at a very young age.

Like, at the age of 1 year old, they can already ‘test your authority’. They couldn’t say much at the time, but their action says, ‘Hmm, let’s see how Mommy reacts if I throw this plastic plate to the floor.’ or ‘I just hit Mommy when I’m angry, and we’ll see what she does next.’

If we don’t address the act right there and then, and teach them what’s right immediately, don’t be surprised if you see MORE of such actions (and worse) in the future. And that by the time we want to stop them from doing so, these unwanted actions have already become hard-to-break habits.

Here are a few things that I’ve learned (and will implement) so far :

– Love and discipline must ALWAYS go hand in hand (there’s a clear difference ‘discipline’ and ‘punishment’ though. I’ve learned about this too, and I’ll share it with you some other time)

– If you only shower your children with love, but give NO discipline, then your children will have ‘no direction’ nor clear values of what is right, what is good and what is wrong.

– But if you discipline your children without giving and showing your love to them, they will only be fearful of us and there won’t be any warm and loving relationship between us and them.

…

GOD loves us so much that HE also disciplines us. HE may allow ‘unpleasant experiences’ happen in our lives so that we can be ‘back on track’. So that we learn what is the right thing to do and what we did wrong.

Proverbs 22:6 says:
Bring up a child by teaching him the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn away from it.

And Proverbs 13:24 says:
If you refuse to discipline your children, it proves you don’t love them; if you love your children, you will be prompt to discipline them.

Question is, how do we wisely discipline our children and how can we strike a balance between Love and Discipline?

As a Mommy who loves Anya very much, I know I need to continually learn how to keep the balance. Not forgetting to ask for God’s continual strength and wisdom day by day too.

Most people who know Anya in person would say that she’s relatively good-natured and obedient. The type of kid who won’t cause much hassles to others.

And looking at my friends’ comments so far and my own observation of the kid, I guess I have to agree that she is not a ‘difficult’ child.

The thing is, this usually leads to the common assumption that she’s good-natured ALL THE TIME.  And interestingly, quite a few friends say that they can’t imagine Anya making a scene, doing stuff like: screaming and throwing a tantrum, refusing to eat and spitting out her meals, etc. And how I may actually need to (and actually) discipline Anya.

When it comes to raising and educating my kids, I do have a few principles that I implement without fail, like:

1) If I’ve strongly said ‘No’ to something that Anya wanted, I seriously mean it and nothing that she does will change my mind (I always give my reasons for saying ‘No’ though. Be it because I love her and I don’t want her to get hurt. Because what she wanted is dangerous. Because it’s disrespectful. Etc. Etc.)

2) If it’s something that’s not too crucial, I will let Anya know my preference, but if she insists on what she wants, I let her do it her way.

3) I will not tolerate any disrespectful behaviour, like: pulling my hair when she’s angry about something, hitting Wilson for not allowing her to do something, throwing her toys around to show she’s unhappy or spitting out her food out of anger (yes, the list can get quite long here).

If she does it, even when she’s still very young (like, at the age of 10 months), I’ll look at her in the eyes and seriously tell her that it’s not the way to do it. That it’s disrespectful, etc.

If she’s thrown something to the floor, she’ll then have to pick it up and give it back to me properly (even when she’s in a restaurant or on a bus!). She’ll then have to say ‘Sorry’. (Again, after each incident, I always explain to her why what she just did was not right, etc).

Of course, as Anya gets older, like any other normal toddlers, her misbehaviour comes in many different forms. And to each and every one, I deal with it there and then.

Like the time she refused to pray and give thanks before her meals (something that I won’t tolerate). I spoke to her in different tones (from ‘nice’ to ‘really serious’) and she still refused and screamed her lungs out. And so I picked her up and took her to my bedroom. I told her she’d be in the room alone until she’s ready to pray and give thanks. She still refused and screamed, and so I closed the door. Crying continued. I went in after 30 seconds, asking her if she’s ready to pray and give thanks before her meals, and when she still refused, I closed the door, and there she cried and screamed. Again.

After another 30 seconds, I went in and talked to her calmly (while she’s still sobbing away). I told Anya about the many wonderful birthday presents she received from her friends, and how she thanked them one by one for the gifts. I then explained how Jesus cares for us and provides us with our food, a Mommy and Daddy who can provide for her, and how we therefore need to give thanks to Jesus too, just like when she needs to give thanks to anyone who’s given her a birthday gift. Anya (finally) understood the whole ‘being-thankful’ concept, prayed, gave thanks to God and ate her meals without any fuss. And I praised her for that.

There are many different incidents we all face with our kids everyday. But one of the most important things I always remember and continually learn is: finding out when to compromise and when to strongly hold on to our principles and the values we’re trying to teach our kids. It’s all for the kid’s own good and learning.

Each kid is unique, and each person may need a different approach, but I really believe that when we try, give our best and continually ask for God’s wisdom in teaching and disciplining our children, no matter how ‘difficult’ our kids are, God will give us the needed strength to go through the challenges and struggles we face each day.

With about 5.5 months to go until Baby no.2 comes, I’m trying my best to get Anya become more independent.

Stuff like: getting her own shoes from the cabinet and putting them on herself before we all go out. Taking out our clean clothes from the washing machine while I hang them out to dry. Tidying up her toys after she plays with them. Taking off her top and pants herself and putting them in the laundry basket. Eating (most of) her meals all on her own. And so far I think for a 2-year-old toddler, she’s been quite good *smile*

I also make sure I appreciate her every little effort and achievement through words of appreciation, the excitement and happiness obviously seen on my face or even a quick tickle, kiss and hug.

In teaching Anya, I personally am not into the ‘bribing approach’. I mean, I’d never say things like, ‘You’ll get some sweets if you help me put these clothes into daddy’s wardrobe.’ or ‘If you tidy up all your toys, you can eat some ice cream later.’ Or worse, ‘Your Daddy will love you more if he sees you put on your shoes yourself.’

I think if we take that kind of approach (unconsciously or not), kids will gradually learn the concept of ‘doing something because I’ll be receiving something later’, instead of ‘doing something because: I enjoy it / it’s the right thing to do / I’d like to help my parents and other people without needing to receive anything in return.’

In today’s increasingly selfish society, I surely don’t want Anya to grow up with the philosophy of: doing something only when it benefits ME ME ME.

Since young I believe kids need to learn and experience the joy of giving and helping others. And it all starts from us parents. The ways we encourage our kids through our words and actions.

This is how my computer screen usually looks like when I’m working on the web.

And I have to say, I find it interesting when many people thought I picked up some sort of computer graphics and web stuff from school. Hehe.

Anyway, I just thought I’d share a little background :

I took up Marketing & Finance in Uni, and I had ZERO knowledge of any design stuff then. Even after Wilson and I got married in 2001, I still didn’t know anything about how to do up a website, or how Photoshop works. At all.

I remembered the time when Wilson did something in Photoshop and I sat there completely stunned and amazed at the many ‘wonders’ it can do to a photo!

But it was only in 2002 when I started checking out what Photoshop could do. At the time, I just tried different things with it myself. Touching up our photos. Cropping. Changing its colours.

And honestly, the mere thought of showing my beginner’s work to a hubby who’s a DESIGNER did turn my confidence level down. If I heard any negative or condescending criticism from him those first few times I showed him my ‘works’, I’m sure I’d most likely stop trying and exploring. I was far from confident.

The lovely thing about my hubby is that he didn’t criticise! In fact, he complimented my work, gave some inputs and encouraged me to create more stuff with Photoshop! I remembered how I felt so good about the whole thing and went on exploring even more stuff!

And now, writing, sharing and doing stuff in Photoshop have become my passion!

Some people said that having a designer as a hubby is great because he can give you private tuitions on how to do stuff with a website and Photoshop. Haha, as if we both have all the time in the world to do that!

Wilson has lots of other work that he needs to handle and so I picked up 95% of web stuff and Photoshop on my own, with a few tips from him here and there.

And it feels great, to have learned and picked up completely new stuff all by yourself (especially when I never thought I could do these stuff before!).

And it’s amazing how words of encouragement, however a little, can push you further into trying new stuff you probably have never imagined before!

By now I can say that my morning sickness is practically ‘gone’!  BUT somehow at times I feel I just forget stuff.

Like when Anya and I walked all the way to the bus stop, I realised that I forgot to bring along my handphone (and I NEED it because I’m waiting for some important calls!). And 8 minutes later, when I was already near the bus stop again (with my handphone now in my bag), I realised that I’ve forgotten to bring my wallet too!!

Arrgghh!

Good thing Anya didn’t complain much about walking back and forth so much (although on our way back home she kept on saying, ‘Mommy forgot her wallet. No wallet, no money. No wallet, no money!’) Hehe.
[Thanks Anya for being understanding and helpful]

But anyway, other than my random blurriness, which they say is most likely due to your pregnancy (Haha.. so much for passing on the blame to something else!), it’s been alright, and I feel really blessed!

My next doctor’s appointment is due in 3 weeks time, and he said we’ll find out the sex of the baby then!! Woohoo! Can’t wait!

PS: That was me in Week 6 and Week 14

Yes it’s been 6 weeks since I first started potty training Anya. There were days when I got so frustrated with the seemingly-pointless training. And there were days when I was extra thrilled with her successful achievements.

Now, her accident rate is only about once every 4-5 days (if not longer), which was GREAT! And I’ve gotten her to sit on the toilet 98% of the time too. She still wears her diapers during at night and whenever we’re going out though, but I’m not particularly fussed about that. She’s been great so far I think!

I’ll still try to meet my target though (ie. getting her 100% potty trained before baby no. 2 comes, hehe). But anyway, we’ll see how it goes, especially since quite a few people tell me how THAT is even tougher than the starting point!)

As seemingly ridiculous as it may seem, I’ve got to say, it does take a LOT of patience, persistence and perseverence to train a little kid on how to go to the toilet.

I need to control my emotion when she does it on the floor again and again. I need to be consistent in training her though it already feels like forever. I need to continually give her words of encouragement even when I feel I’ve failed.

Ah. You learn so much from simple interactions with our little ones.