Exploring Our Children’s Potentials

 
Unity in marriage is not the result of uniformity. You will never be the same as your spouse. God has designed you to be different from your spouse.

Unity is the result of how husband and wife respond towards those inevitable differences that exist in all marriages.

How do WE respond towards OUR challenging differences in marriage?

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These are thoughts from Paul David Tripp, in his book ‘What did you expect? Redeeming the Realities of Marriage’.

Recommended book!!

 
Let’s first ask ourselves these questions.

What kind of memories do we want for our children?

Are we present in their lives?

How do we respond to them – when they are well-behaved, and when they are difficult.

Do we look for mistakes?

Do we go on, and on, and on? Do we show appreciation towards their little gestures of kindness?

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Most of us find it the hardest to deal with difficult behaviours, ie. Behaviours that we do not ‘expect’.

So how do WE usually deal with their forgetfulness, laziness, lack of discipline and empathy, delays and tantrums?

Ultimately kindness makes our children feel lovedAs much as we need to find a healthy balance between being firm, consistent, authoritative, patient, loving and forgiving, ultimately kindness makes our children feel loved.

Yes. Kindness in our tone of voice, words and acts.

It has nothing to do with our salary, our social status, our education, our work.

Really.

To our children, we are just their Mom, their Dad.

And all children long to be listened, understood, loved, appreciated and treated fairly. Despite their difficult behaviours.

Let’s pray for them, reflect and do better?

Food for thought.

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I have so much to repent, change and improve in my ways of dealing with my childrenAm writing this thought as a self-reminder.

Not because I’m a great mom, but because I have so much to repent, change and improve in my ways of dealing with my children.

May God have mercy on us, and help us to be the kind of parents HE wants us to be.

Every day.

Do you plan to watch ‘Joker’ the movie?
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Here’s my personal review of the movie ‘Joker’ (NO spoilers):
 
> This is a very dark movie.
The movie is all about depression, mental illness, rage, revenge, unfairness, bitterness, loneliness, rejection, hallucination, bullying, frustration, inability to be happy or to see things from a happy/positive perspective.
 
> Many of its scenes are simply depressing and mentally disturbing.
 

 
> This movie is TOTALLY NOT FOR KIDS. Not even for those below 15yo, if you ask me.

(I saw a couple who brought along their no older than 3yo girl to the movie. Sigh. They even aired a horror movie trailer before the movie started)

Seriously parents, please SPARE your kids from such experience. Covering their eyes or letting them lie on your lap during the movie DOES NOT mean they don’t watch / peek.
 
> Who should AVOID watching this movie?
People who are already feeling stressed out / depressed / very lonely / unhappy about their personal situation / the society / the world.

Watching this movie will most likely NOT make you feel enlightened / entertained afterwards.
 
> There are a few scenes where murder was done brutally. I personally looked away.
 
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Apart from all those points, I personally think the main actor (Joaquin Phoenix) was superbly AWESOME in portraying Joker as a disturbed character.

I guess it’s just me, but I really observed the details of how this man carried out the character, and I was again and again wowed and amazed at Phoenix’s acting skills.

I would give him a standing ovation for his hard work as an actor (if in real life he’s not easy to work with, I’m not surprised. This guy is ‘weird’ in his own ways, I’m sure)

I personally enjoyed the details of how he enacted the emotions and lived out this Joker character: his body movements, his facial expressions, his voice, the way he ran and talked, etc.

As for the script, many of the conversations and perspectives/incidents require deep thinking and reflection.

Not an ‘easy’ movie to watch.
 
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To name only three of the many thoughts that came to mind after I watched the movie:
 
> Bullying is just pure evil. Be it physical, verbal or online.

Let’s be sensitive about what we (and our kids!) do/say to others.
 
BEING KIND towards everyone, is such a NECESSITY> Giving another person a sincere smile, lending listening ears, basically … BEING KIND towards everyone, is such a NECESSITY.

Let’s learn to do that, no matter how chaotic / individualistic / selfish our society in general is.
 
> Mental illness is real, so is depression.

People with this condition are ‘everywhere’, and they can ‘appear’ okay.

If we know anyone who needs help, let’s not stay away or be ignorant. Let’s spare some time to get them some help.
 
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If you understand Indonesian, here’s my vlog, movie review of ‘Joker’:
 

 
Feel free to share this post, if you think it can be of any help to others (especially fellow parents)

Thank you, everyone!

On school days, our school-going children spend more than 5 hours away from us.

Some even spend more than 7 hours away from home, Monday to Friday.

And within those long hours away from us, they are inevitably exposed to all kinds of values, thinking, world views.

‘If you don’t get an A, your parents will NOT be proud of you!’

‘It is OK to keep on playing with gadgets when adults want to start a conversation with you.‘

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If our children go camping with school, we make sure they’re equipped.

Sleeping bag. Check.
Rain coat. Check.
Spare clean clothes. Check.

We ask questions and make sure our children have all the things that they need to make their camping trip enjoyable and most importantly, safe.

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Do we have the same concern and care when they go out into the world? ie. When they start going to school and being away from us for a long period of time?

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Here are some questions that I hope we all can ponder:

>> After they’re done with school-related activities, where are they, where are WE, and what do they spend time doing?
 

>> Do we know the kinds of values that they are exposed to? Do we actively guide and correct wrong views, thoughts or behaviours?

(This is only possible if we have positive communication and relationship with them, which we ourselves must encourage and nurture since the day they start school)
 

>> Do we encourage critical thinking, so our children learn to NOT simply absorb the values around them, but instead, evaluate, analyse, relate and discern, which ones are good and bad, right and wrong, which ones they should follow, and which ones they should disregard.
 

>> And in relation to the point above, what ‘standard of truth’ do our children have/use? Do we actively instill values daily? If we are people of the faith, do we share biblical perspectives and principles with them, and learn to walk the talk ourselves?

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Just like we would never send our children to camp WITHOUT equipping them well, let’s reflect and evaluate, … see if we have prepared and equipped them too each time they walk out of our home and into the big world.

It is never too late to start.

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May God give us help and mercy, and protect our children every day.

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Photos:
Top photo: On our way to Tebing Keraton, West Java
Bottom photo: Stone Garden, West Java

 
Learning to think of strategies, endure mental and physical pressure while under the scorching sun.

Making new friends. Greeting officials on court.
 

 
Learning to not give up, but continue to strive till the end though points are lost.

Learning to be grateful and congratulate the winner. Learning to be humble and thank the opposition and officials after winning a game.
 

 
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Gaining a trophy, is one of the rewards.

Lessons learned while playing a sport, are more than a few.
 
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Anyway, we are thankful for Levi’s recent tennis experience!

He won third place!

Here are more photos to share.
 

 
 
Do we let our children spend time outdoors?

‘Oh, I don’t want them to be sick under the hot sun.’

‘What if she runs around and falls down?’

‘My boy prefers to stay indoors’, says Mom of a 3yo boy.
 
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Living in Jakarta means we don’t have much outdoors to explore, sadly.

We don’t go out and about as much as we wish.

But, we try to bring the kids out as much as we can.

Mountain climbing on school holidays. Regular tennis sessions outdoors for two of our kids. Etc.
 
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‘But what if your kids’ skin gets dark/tanned?’, some asked.

No problem with tanned skin, we’d say. If they are always indoors, that’s a bigger problem 🙂
 
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‘What if my 3yo doesn’t like the outdoors?’

Well, at that age, kids should follow what we decide for them. We are the parents, not them.
 
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‘Air quality is bad in Jakarta now’, some said.

‘Well, when air quality wasn’t bad, did you go outdoors as a family?’
 
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Too often we seek excuses (and apply no change) when we should instead re-evaluate our family’s habits and preferences.
 
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Anyway.

Here is me encouraging families to spend more time together, outdoors ☺️♥️

Go. Go. Go.

One of the things we hope our children can confidently say, feel and know is, how their parents love them very much.

And for them to feel THAT assured, … we humbly realise how it will take many years of prayers, effort, time, energy, purposely creating opportunities to build relationship and communication, … and errr, it includes tears, too.

Because they are not always that easy to love, and we ourselves are no different.

 
See if you agree with this.

Students are expected to listen, not speak much, submit under the teachers’ authority Schools in Indonesia (in the East), in general (ie. NOT ALL, of course):

Students are expected to listen, not speak much, submit under the teachers’ authority.

If they do express their opinion or question their teachers (gasp!), they potentially are labelled as ‘difficult’, ‘impolite’, ‘a trouble maker’.

As a result:
They tend to be quiet, less participative, less articulate.

They find it harder to verbally express their ideas and thoughts, esp. in public.

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Students are encouraged to speak up, be critical and creativeSchools in the west in general:
Students are encouraged to speak up, be critical and creative (out of the box ideas are more likely to be accepted by peers).
They are encouraged to verbally express their ideas/thoughts in class, regardless of ‘HOW’ they do it.

As a result:
They tend to be more daring in trying out new experiences, more comfortable in expressing their thoughts (and challenging other people’s ideas).

At the same time though, they also (potentially) tend to have behavioural issues, eg. Disrespectful attitudes towards parents/teachers, if their opinions differ, in the name of ‘freedom of speech’, etc.

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Each ‘approach’ has its own ‘good and bad’, if you ask me.

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I am fortunate enough to have experienced ‘both’.

Up to 13yo I experienced the traditional Indonesian school way. And after that, the Australian way.

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Personally, I think a combination of BOTH the eastern and the western approach is needed.

They need to learn to do all that in a more polite wayStudents need to be able to verbally express their opinions (however silly, given that they are after all still kids / teenagers!), quench their curiosity, question the stuff that they’re learning.

BUT.

At the same time, they need to learn to do all that in a more polite way (choice of words, tone of voice, attitude, etc).

In reality, this the hard part!

(One extra potential reason: they are born in a digital era where communication via texting tends to be more common than actual verbal communication)

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If our children live in Indonesia, or grow up under the authority of teachers who still adopt the more traditional way of learning (ie. Quiet submission is better), their journey towards ‘being able to express self well and polite’ is a VERY long one.

Our role as parents are crucial in nurturing their growing curiosity positively, in shaping their habits, social/communication skills, etc.

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And if our child is naturally vocal/expressive or have the tendency to verbally express their opinion / disagreements in a ‘loud’ way (ie. Rebellious, in the parents’ eyes), may God help us.

These young ones need plenty of guidance, rebuking, reminding, and consistent shepherding, positive role modelsBecause these young ones need plenty of guidance, rebuking, reminding, and consistent shepherding, positive role models, opportunities to learn from mistakes while still feel assured that we love and accept them.

We parents need to learn how to deal with them and guide them, instead of shutting them up (for our own convenience)

(Note: We Asians put a lot of weight on showing respect to the elderly, teachers, etc., so dealing with ‘difficult attitudes’ from kids who are verbally expressive definitely needs a lot of self-denials, patience, wisdom and help from God!)

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Anyway, this is a note to myself.

I’m still learning.

May God help me. Help us.

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Food for thought.