Building Healthy Relationships Takes Efforts
Driving past homes, we naturally love seeing beautifully maintained lush gardens with well-trimmed flowers and trees.
Such gardens don’t happen over night though.
Countless hours of consistent care and maintenance must have been given to produce such a condition.
Planting of seeds, daily watering of plants, consistent trimming, pulling out little weeds, etc.
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‘I don’t love you anymore’I’m no gardener, but the above analogy reminds me that the same daily, consistent effort, care and attention MUST also be given to our marriage and relationships with our children, since day one.
Sadly though, too often, husbands/wives are ‘taken by surprise’ when – after 10 to 15 years of marriage – they hear their spouse say:
‘I don’t love you anymore’, or
‘I am tired of being ignored/unappreciated. I need to take some time off away from you.’
Or worse,
‘I want a divorce’ 😞
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‘My teenage son ignores me’The same goes with parents who sigh and say:
‘My teenage son ignores me and hardly ever returns my messages/calls!’
‘My teenage daughter puts her earphones on, plays with her gadget/smartphone, and ignores me when I talk to her.’
‘My teens seem to not want to relate to me!’
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The analogy of the gardener reminds me that little, consistent efforts from day one MATTERS if we truly want to build that ‘well-maintained lush gardens’ (before it’s too late)
eg. If we want our teenage children to communicate with us, struggle and instill open communications based on love and respect since they’re young.
This btw, includes consistent discipline, too.
(May God help us!)
If we don’t want them to have ‘their own world’ where they can care-freely ignore others, then instill a ‘family culture’ where, e.g.
– Bedroom doors are not to be closed (esp. at times of anger)
– Earphones are not to be used when family/friends are around or when in family car rides
– Games on gadgets/smartphones are not to be played on dining tables or when family/friends come to visit, etc.
– When child is being asked a question or being called, child must always verbally respond
Work hard and build the healthy marriage lifestyle since day oneAnd if we want our marriage to be loving and based on respect, faithfulness, forgiveness, open communication and appreciation, even after 20-30 years of marriage, then we need to work hard and build that healthy marriage lifestyle since day one.
e.g.
– Set aside time for each other: chat, catch up, and enjoy some husband-wife intimate time together
– Never leave the house out of anger
– Do not avoid discussions on matters that are regarded as a concern by your spouse
– Appreciate each other and show it in ways that matter to your spouse
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Yes, all this, is HARD WORK.
Even seems impossibly frustrating at times.
Relationships require a lot of effort to build.
Nothing is instant.
And, habits sure take many years to build.
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Habits sure take many years to buildI personally have so much to learn still.
(Note: Instilling positive habits in children does NOT automatically produce positive, loving relationships at all times. A simple proof that we are essentially sinners in need of God’s mercy and grace)
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Anyway.
May God give extra patience and grace to us parents and husbands/wives and … the thirst to learn and love others, other than ourselves.
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This food for thought is inspired by the book ‘What Did you Expect?: Redeeming the Realities of Marriage’ by Paul David Tripp.
He wrote:
“Spouses need to be reconciled to each other and to God on a daily basis. Since we’re always sinners married to sinners, reconciliation isn’t just the right response in moments of failure. It must be the lifestyle of any healthy marriage.”
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One book I personally recommend (and is available in Indonesian, too)
