Sharing with the Kids that Daddy and Mommy are Husband and Wife
As much our kids need to see us as their Mommy and Daddy, I truly believe they also need to see us as husband and wife who need (and enjoy) time with each other, too.
The problem is, sometimes (and I’m sure you’ve seen it, too) a child gets quite ‘possessive’ towards the Mom, and would (seriously) stop/push away the Dad from hugging/kissing/cuddling with Mom, not allowing Dad to sit next to Mom, etc.
Many think it’s funny, or cute.
Some parents would even repeat the whole ‘I’m going to kiss your Mom’ action on purpose, just so they can see the ‘Mommy is MINE’ reaction from the child (the child is not joking btw, when he displays his ‘She is mine and you better not get too close to her’!)
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Someone asked, how do we explain to our kids that we are not just their Mommy and Daddy, but we are a husband and a wife, too?
Here are some of the things we do over the years:
1. When making certain decisions (and Daddy’s not there), I often say to the kids, ‘Let me talk to Daddy about it first’, or ‘Wait for Daddy’s decision on this’
I purposely do this, so that the kids know that:
– I value their Daddy’s view and decision
– as a wife, I respect my husband’s opinion
– Daddy and Mommy are a team, and we discuss family matters together
– as the Daddy, he is the leader of the family and if he decides on something, we’d all need to respect it
And, I’d casually answer, ‘Of course I need to speak with Daddy. He’s my husband and we discuss things togetherI remember there were times when my kids asked, ‘Why do we have to wait for Daddy’s decision? Can’t you make the decision?’ (eg. Where will we go over the weekend?).
And, I’d casually answer, ‘Of course I need to speak with Daddy. He’s my husband and we discuss things together. Everyone must wait till Daddy replies his Whatsapp ya, … or till Daddy comes home.’
(By verbally referring to Daddy as ‘my husband’ when talking to the kids about him every now and then, I hope to instill the idea of us being husband and wife, not just the kids’ Daddy and Mommy)
2. We spend time together when the kids are asleep
When the kids were much younger, we’d watch movies at home together. And they knew about it.
Now, the kids are bigger, Wilson and I would sometimes catch a movie at the cinema.
Initially, the kids asked, ‘Can’t we come along?’
To that, we answered, ‘You have school tomorrow, so of course you can’t come along to the movies. Also, Mommy and Daddy need to spend time together as husband and wife, right?’
Wilson and I sometimes go out for our breakfast dates, too (after we send the kids to school). When they see both of us sending them to school, sometimes they’d ask, ‘So you are going out for breakfast after this?’ =)
[Photo: taken by Anya]
3. Show affection when kids are around, too
I know some couples feel uncomfortable about it, but in our family, the kids see us holding hands, giving kisses on the cheek, hugs or cuddles (eg. When greeting husband as he walks through the door, or while we’re in the car, etc)
Personally, I think it’s healthy for them to see such physical affection shown between Mommy and Daddy, a married couple.
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I often say to the kids, ‘Let me talk to Daddy about it first’Now, here’s another question: Do our kids push Wilson and I away from each other?
Well, … the kids often want to be the ones sitting next to Mom, which means when we’re out and about, I’d have one child sitting on my left, and another on my right.
But it was not done in the name of ‘separating Mom from Dad because Mommy is MINE!’
To me personally, when a child is sincerely possessive towards one parent and blocks the other parent from being close to their spouse, however ‘cute’ it may look, it is not healthy and explanations need to be given (from the time the child starts to show any aggressive-possessive behaviour).
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‘So what should we do if our child hits / pushes Daddy away because child wants Mommy for himself?’
I don’t know about other parents, but these would be some of our responses:
– Principles to be taught: Mommy and Daddy love each other and the children. Never tolerate any physical aggression (what more towards the family).
Eg. If the child is still a toddler starting to show some aggression, then when the child hits / pushes Daddy:
– Hold the child’s hands
– Squat to his level and look at him in the eye
It is OK for Daddy to give Mommy a hug. Okay? Say sorry to Daddy now please– Firmly say, ‘God gives us hands, so we can hold our food, ‘sayang-sayang’ people and do many other things [move the child’s hands to show the actions]. We don’t use our hands to hit/push Daddy like that. No. Mommy and Daddy love you, and Daddy loves Mommy. It is OK for Daddy to give Mommy a hug, okay? Say sorry to Daddy now please [let Daddy hug child while we ask child to say sorry. We could also say the word ‘Sorry’ on behalf of the child if he’s not yet able to speak the word properly]. Come and sit on my lap, together with Mommy and Daddy.’ Then, distract the child with something else.
– At the slightest show of aggression, the above must be enforced, consistently.
– Breaking any negative behaviour after it’s been nurtured over a long time (or allowed to happen several times) would be much more difficult.
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I think it’s healthy for them to see such physical affection shown between Mommy and Daddy, a married coupleI guess, what we’re doing is, through our day to day interactions and conversation with each other, we try to naturally instill the understanding that ‘Daddy and Mommy are husband and wife who – despite their differences in opinions sometimes – love each other and enjoy each other’s company’.
And as our children, they need to respect that, too.
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Oh well.
They never say parenting is easy.
But, it’s not impossible.
May God help us.
