20 Food for Thought for Newly (or soon-to-be) Married Couples
Yesterday my husband and I had the privilege of joining two ‘bridal showers’ arranged for a total of 4 couples who are going to be married this year.
I don’t know if you’ve been to one, but our kind of bridal shower is more like a sharing session where a few married couples get together and share their advice/tips/thoughts on marriage life with the soon-to-be married couples.
You know, to share the REALITY of marriage. Real stuff and not just some theories from books=)
And yesterday we had couples who’ve been married for 2 – 26 years. It was a nice and refreshing.
(The sharing session basically hopes to help the soon-to-be married couples in adjusting to married life a little easier)
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Anyway.
Lots of tips and advice were shared yesterday.
But if I were to pick 20 of them to share on my blog, here they are =)
1. Do you know the real, genuine answers to these questions:
‘What is it about your fiance that made you feel sure that he/she IS the one you’ll be spending the rest of your life with?’
‘What is it that you treasure and appreciate in your fiance that you cannot find in other men/women?’
He snores loudly? She is messy and he is neat? He makes slow decisions while she is impulsive?2. If you feel your relationship with your fiance is hard/easy during courtship days, wait for it, … it will only get harder when you’re married!
When couples get married, they (especially the woman) often think that it will be all romantic, like a fairy tale.
Marriage is not a fairy tale.
It’s real. It’s a union between two sinners, each with selfish tendencies. It’s a marriage between two individuals with different opinions, each coming from a different family background and upbringing. And the union is till ‘death do us part’.
So will there be conflicts and arguments? Sure there will.
BUT, if the couple places God as the Lord of their household, they’ll learn to face conflicts differently. That’s it’s no longer about ‘me’.
The understanding that ‘I am a sinner too, I could be wrong too, I need to ask God to change ME first and teach me to tolerate and forgive my spouse‘ will make a huge difference to how their marriage will work whenever conflicts occur.
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3. You’ll discover how your spouse does things differently. Tolerate, be ready to change, and always work out the differences together.
Differences are fine, as long as the couple works it out together
He leaves his socks on the floor instead of in the laundry basket?
She doesn’t put the cap back on the toothpaste?
He snores loudly?
She is messy and he is neat?
He makes slow decisions while she is impulsive?
Differences are fine, as long as the couple works it out together. Be watchful of the words you use though when you need to ‘raise’ certain issues. Pick a good timing too.
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[One book I’d happily recommend! The Meaning of Marriage, by Timothy Keller]
4. Avoid going to sleep when you’re still angry with each other
And oh, please don’t storm out of the room and escape from conflict.
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5. Men can’t read your mind. Don’t sulk and expect your husband to know what’s going on.
Share with your spouse about what’s bothering you, and tell him if there’s something that he does that hurts or discourages you. Don’t keep grudges within yourself. You don’t want to see yourself ‘explode’ one day.
And, you don’t want to suddenly realise that there’s nothing in common anymore between the two of you because problems hardly ever get discussed and settled from the start.
Remember, you may not be right, too. Actually, may be you are the one who needs to change. Whatever it is, discuss it together and work it out.
PS: The same applies to husbands: Wives can’t always read your mind. Share with her what’s bothering you.
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Talk about anything with each other
6. Always, ALWAYS, communicate with each other.
Share your life with one another. Talk about anything with each other. Enjoy your relationship.
And if you’re sharing the same office or family business, make sure that you both talk about OTHER topics too, not just about work.
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7. Hold hands
While it is natural to hold hands with your spouse when you’re newly married, those who’ve been married for many years, may have stopped holding hands and sharing physical intimacy with one other.
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8. No TV in the bedroom
The bedroom should be the place where you are together, without much distractions (which btw, includes smartphones, laptops, etc).
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9. Try not to get pregnant within the first year
Having a child is a blessing, but the first year of marriage would be a wonderful time for the couple to adjust and get to know each other better. Like, go and travel together?
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[Below our very first home, back in Singapore in 2001. Not too big a space but it was ours=)]
10. Try to have your own roof
It is recommended to have your own little space after you’re married, because the couple needs to discover how things work between the two of them ‘without’ the intervention or presence of third parties (which could include friends, in-laws, siblings, etc)
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11. Avoid engaging a live-in helper
Or, if you really need to have a helper to tidy up your house, consider engaging a part-time helper who doesn’t live together with you
When you’re newly married, you both need to learn how to be a team, how to support each other, appreciate each other’s actions, help one another in getting meals ready, tidying the home, etc.
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12. Beware of ‘external parties’ intervention’
Children who are close to their parents BEFORE they’re married, find it hard to ‘detach’ themselves from Mommy and Daddy.
Similarly, many Moms and Dads ‘forget’ that their children are now adults, learning to build their own family, so much so that the parents may still ‘comment and give instructions’ on how things should be done in their children’s family (though it’s done in the name of ‘caring for my child’, the child is no longer a ‘child’).
Many Moms and Dads ‘forget’ that their children are now adultsIf the husband’s parents are the ones who often ‘interfere’ (or worse, dislike/disagree with the daughter-in-law), then it must be the husband who talks politely with his parents. The husband’s duty is to appease and be the peace-maker.
The husband is the head of his family, the spouse of the wife, so the husband must be the one who will discuss and make decisions together with the wife (not make decisions with his parents for his wife).
‘Okay sure, I’ll check with my husband and see his schedule. Can I let you know if we could join in the dinner later this afternoon?’eg. If the parents of the wife like to make decisions on certain things concerning the bigger family (eg. When they’ll dine out with the big family, etc), the wife needs to take the initiative in nicely telling her parents, ‘Okay sure, I’ll check with my husband and see his schedule. Can I let you know if we could join in the dinner later this afternoon?’
This way, the parents are slowly adjusting to the fact too that their daughter now needs to discuss and make decisions together with her husband (and not just ‘obey’ their instructions like how things were done before)
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13. Don’t share your relationship/marital problems with your parents
Your issues with your spouse may have been settled among the two of you, BUT your parents who have heard about the problem most likely still remember the issues! (eg. How their son-in-law treated their loving daughter when they had their arguments, etc)
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14. When you’re married, still socialise and develop yourself as an individual
Many couples spend little time with other people after they’re married (and often, it gets worse after they’ve had kids). They spend their time with each other ‘only’.
Over on the other extreme is, couples spend little time with each other, because they prefer to socialise with other people (eg. School reunions, regularly staying back with colleagues after office hours, etc). Often, it is a way to ‘escape’ from the home / responsibilities.
As a married couple, continue to be a blessing to othersBasically, it’s really important that the couple talks with each other about how they should balance their time and nurture their relationship.
And don’t forget, you are still an individual even when you’re married. Being married means continuing to explore your potentials and God-given talents. The difference is, now that you’re married, you have a spouse who’ll encourage and help you develop your potentials further.
The aim is, as a married couple, continue to be a blessing to others.
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[Now that the kids are bigger, we can now go on movie dates again, not longer just catching a movie together at home when the kids are all asleep;)]
15. Enjoy your relationship. Your spouse must be your best friend.
Easy to understand =)
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16. Husbands, more often than not, your wife simply needs you to ‘listen’
Men are generally used to ‘fixing things’ and ‘finding solutions to a problem’.
When your wife shares her thoughts with you, more often than not, she simply needs you to listen and pay attention (ie. She doesn’t need you to interrupt and give your ‘recommended solution’ to the issue)
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17. Humour is one good thing to have in marriage
Don’t be too serious all the time. Laugh things off.
18. It’s better to NOT have any expectations
Don’t enter a marriage thinking that you will be able to change your spouse.
If you spend your marriage life expecting your spouse to change, your marriage life would most likely be miserable.
Don’t enter a marriage thinking that you will be able to change your spouseWe’re all sinners, and when we have ‘expectations’, more often than not, they’re not met by our spouse. And when our expectations are not met, we’re disappointed. It’ll just keep on going towards the negative.
Learn to accept your spouse the way he/she is now. And along the way, as believers of Christ, we all keep changing towards the better. Not just our spouse, but also ourselves.
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19. Grow together spiritually and continue serving God.
Many couples are no longer active in their ministry after they’re married (AND, after they’re blessed with a child or more). AND, they’ll always have ‘valid’ reasons for their ‘disappearance’ from church and ministry.
Continue to encourage one another in growing spiritually. Attend church seminars together, serve together, pray together. Agree to this commitment from the start of your relationship/marriage.
If you spend your marriage life expecting your spouse to change, your marriage life would most likely be miserable
20. Pray for your spouse and for your marriage
Marriage is a life-long journey full of ups and downs that we need to face together with our spouse.
The reality is, it is hard, and we can never go through it alone.
Let God be the Lord of our household, while husbands and wives continue to serve one another with love and commitment.
When both husband and wife fear God and share the faith, that is definitely one of the keys to a loving marriage.
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Ah there you go, TWENTY food for thought!
Hope this post can be a blessing to everyone who reads it!
Please share this post with others?
May God bless and strengthen our relationships and marriages.
