Parenting : Preventing Children from Playing Parents against Each Other
[Daddy is often ‘more fun’ than Mommy, but as parents they must always be on the ‘same team’!]
Have you heard or come across a situation like this :
> A child ASKS one parent for something
> That parent says ‘NO’
> The child then goes to THE OTHER PARENT, and asks for that same something (ie. Hoping to get a favourable answer)
> The other parents says ‘Yes’
(And, at times, when the other parent also says ‘No’, the child then continues to say, ‘But Mommy, Daddy says that … ‘
…
Kids being kids, they do have this tendency to sometimes try to play one parent against the other, in their attempt to get what they want (eg. Playing their games a little longer, wanting to buy a particular thing at a mall, etc)
And, if both parents are not consciously careful about this, such a situation can potentially cause tension between the couple.
One parent becomes the ‘good guy’, while the other becomes the ‘bad guy’.
Tough parenting indeed.
…
Anyway.
I thought of sharing these five parenting thoughts, ie. Ways to prevent our kids from playing us against our spouse.
1. Both parents MUST learn to be on the same page
And this basically means, we need to talk things out with our spouse and agree on how we view and address different issues.
(We may need to compromise and ‘meet in the middle’, and it’s sometimes not easy, BUT, it will surely be worth it in the long run).
Because really, when children see how their parents are on the same team, they are less likely to try to play one parent against each other.
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2. Make important decisions TOGETHER
Sometimes a child may need to wait for hours before he/she can get an answer to an important decision, and to me, that’s perfectly fine AS LONG AS both parents get to talk about the issue and come to a decision together.
For our case, my older kids know that when it comes to big decisions, I’d usually say, ‘I’ll need to speak to Daddy first.’
(Also because I’d like to my kids to see that Mommy respects Daddy’s decision and Daddy is the leader in the family)
PS: If the issue has been discussed in the past, then usually one parent can make the decision immediately.
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3. Communicate and keep your spouse updated
When a decision has been made (eg. As part of a disciplinary action, a child is not to play any mobile phone / iPad games for a week), it is important to let our spouse know about it. The sooner the better.
There were times when I forgot to update Wilson (eg. On that ‘no games for a week’ decision), and as I came out from the shower, I saw how Wilson’s home and that kid’s already playing on his iPhone!
When reprimanded, the child’s usual excuse was, ‘I forgot that I’m not supposed to play for a week.’
Then, what most likely happened next is that Daddy would give a quick, firm response, like, ‘You shouldn’t ask for my phone if you knew you’re being disciplined on this!’ And after that, the kid usually remembers the day and date of when he/she can play again (because he/she knows that if it is to happen again, their one week can become two weeks of ‘no games’, and they don’t want that to happen!)
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4. No arguments in front of the children, please!
This is tough to do, but it’s an important one.
When couples often argue in front of the kids, they can see how their parents are divided and hence, there are opportunities for the kids to play their parents out.
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Some parents feel that they need to make their children feel happy all the time, and so they feel ‘bad’ if the children are ‘angry’ with them for saying ‘No’ to what they ask.
5. It is OKAY if a child is ‘unhappy’ when we have to say ‘No’ to something he/she asks
Some parents feel that they need to make their children feel happy all the time, and so they feel ‘bad’ if the children are ‘angry’ with them for saying ‘No’ to what they ask.
And what potentially happens next is, one parent will eventually give in and become more lenient, in his/her attempt to calm or please the ‘unhappy’ child.
What really happens here is that the parent is :
– creating bigger possibilities for the child to play the parents against each other the next time round
– ‘trivialising’ the other parent’s decision (which can potentially make the child be ‘less respectful’ towards that parent too)
– NOT doing what’s best for the child
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Anything else to add to the list?
