Handling Our Anger Better, When Parenting Gets Tough!
If you are a parent, I’m sure you’ve had days that are just … very,VERY mentally exhausting.
If you’re a non-parent, picture the following … perhaps this will help in better understanding what I mean :
You slept for just 4 hours last night. Your child no. 1 was rude and unappreciative before she left for school. Soon after, while rushing to shower, you knocked your little toe – HARD – on the bedside table. Child no. 2 woke up and yelled out, ‘MOMMYYYY … WHERE ARE YOUUU?’, waking up the littlest baby, who then started crying very loudly. You’re thirsty, hungry and just when you’re about pee, child no. 2 spilled all his milk, EVERYTHING, onto the dining table and floor, wetting your books and documents that happened to be on the table. And, your littlest baby threw her bowl of food onto the floor. And vomited.
TA DA!
Welcome to one of those challenging days of being a mother of three =)
(Disclaimer : Don’t want to scare you guys. Such episodes – or worse – don’t happen often. Really! =)
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Question is: What should we do when such things happen?
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Before we discuss it further, I’d like to share these thoughts with you:
When misbehaviours or messy accidents take place, and we’re mad, we should be mad at the mess or the behaviours, NOT the child
> Kids are kids and they all are prone to making clumsy mistakes, disobedience and everything childish
> We parents are human beings whose patience level differs from one person to another. Plus, it comes with a limit
> We parents ARE the adults, and we’re called to have ‘love’, ‘self control’, ‘wisdom’ and perseverance
(To me, these are all God-given, and I need to ask God for them, every day. Simply not possible for me to be a parent without God’s help)
> When misbehaviours or messy accidents take place, and we’re mad, we should be mad at the mess or the behaviours, NOT the child (read: It’s not about attacking the child as a person, eg. ‘You are so useless / stupid, I’m so mad at you and I don’t care about you!’)
Actions, tones, and words that are uttered in the midst of anger / frustration / impatience / utter annoyance towards something, very most likely are not encouraging / constructive words
> Actions, tones, and words that are uttered in the midst of anger / frustration / impatience / utter annoyance towards something, very most likely are not encouraging / constructive words. They potentially are hurtful and destructive and these are also generally actions and words that we would otherwise not do or say when we’re in ‘normal circumstances’, ie. When we are ‘cool-headed’
> When destructive actions are done and hurtful words are said (by us to our children), although our apology may follow afterwards, they most likely leave an emotional scar on the child, however little, however big.
> And most important of all, children are blessings and gifts from God. They are not ‘commodities’ which we can ‘anyhow’ treat (or abuse, physically or verbally) according to our own emotional rollercoaster.
To me, having the above understanding and mindset to begin with, helps a lot in dealing with tough situations I encounter when raising my kids.
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So, having said all that:
Am I always cool-headed and in control of my emotions?
Err, no.
Have I scolded the older kids at the top of my lungs out of frustration and anger?
Yes.
Have I said hurtful words that personally attack the child as a person, eg. ‘You’re useless!’, ‘I wish you’re never my child’, ‘How can you be so stupid!’
No.
Have I gone on and on (longer than I should have) when complaining about a particular incident that a child did or when scolding a child?
Yes.
Have the thoughts to do something physical to a child (eg. Slap his/her head out of utter frustration over an incident / behaviour) ever crossed my mind?
Yes.
Have I actually done it to any of my children?
No.
(Confession: There’s a time though when I was very frustrated over some incidents that I have instead slapped the table or the wall really hard)
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Here’re two things that I personally hold strongly (since before I had kids) :
Children are blessings and gifts from God. They are not ‘commodities’ which we can ‘anyhow’ treat (or abuse, physically or verbally) according to our own emotional rollercoaster
– I choose to not use a cane, a stick, a belt or anything when disciplining my children
(Because I know myself and how I could potentially use it to just scare my kids into obedience, and how I could use it unnecessarily, out of anger)
– I told myself how I NEVER want to be physical towards my children out of anger and frustration. If my child is to be disciplined with a hard slap on his palm, for example, I want to do it with a clear mind, and after explaining to my child why I have to do what I have to do.
And to do that, it’s SO NOT easy.
(Read: I could really get a headache during my attempts to ‘swallow’ my ‘so-very-ready-to-erupt emotions’!)
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So, when things with the kids seem ‘too much to handle’, when I feel like ‘exploding’, these are some of the things I usually do (before going back to the child and addressing the situation, hopefully with a cleared mind) :
> Close my eyes and take a REALLY deep breath
(basically I’m trying to swallow any potentially hurtful words that will otherwise happily flow out of my mouth out of anger and frustration)
> Look at the child in the eyes, take a really deep breath, and go to another room for a while to cool myself down (I feel it’s better to remove myself from the child, giving myself a little ‘time-out’)
> Get a cold drink or much on my fave snacks
(eg. A handful of M&M’s, or drink a nice and soothing sweet tea)
> Grab some bubble milk tea with pearls when out and about with the kids
(Yes, on such tough days, sweet stuff helps me keep going and errr, sane =)
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When things get super tough at home, I do the above (especially the munching on sweet things!), and it does help me to calm down.
(When hubby is around, having his support – taking over the kids / talking to them about their misbehaviour, eg. – helps a LOT too!)
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We can’t use ‘I’m human, I can be impatient, and it’s just me!’ as our excuse for not wanting to be a better parent, a better person
Realistically, handling our own anger and frustration when challenging moments with our children take place is tough. Very tough.
But I guess, we also can’t use ‘I’m human, I can be impatient, and it’s just me!’ as our excuse for not wanting to be a better parent, a better person?
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Ah. I don’t know about you, but I truly feel being a parent can really do a lot to one’s character.
I for one can very well say that I’m constantly being ‘shaped’ after I became a Mom. Often, it’s a painful process too. Right now, I’m still far from becoming the kind of Mom God wants me to be, but I know I’m constantly learning.
Yes, the journey is still very long, but I’m willing to learn, with God’s help.
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What say you?
What do YOU do to keep COOL and SANE when tough times with the kids happen?
16 Comments »
Leave a comment!
Hi Leony,
Such a blessing to get to know your blog. It speaks words right through my heart. I could not agree more to what you mentioned about anger management. Never had I felt SO SO much push for myself to be a better person until i became a mom. I found a great friend! Please keep sharing.
Be Blessed
Mamalang
Hello Mamalang!
Thank you for dropping a note and sharing your thoughts =)
It’s always heart-warming to get to know new friends, online and offline =) Do stay in touch …
Thanks for this reminder and for sharing your tips. My son is starting the terrible twos stage… don’t really like the term ‘terrible’… but it’s quite obvious that the tantrums are starting to take on a whole new level. Some moments, I really need to muster all my self control to remain the adult and stay cool and calm.
So far one trick I’ve learnt is to give him a really tight hug during those difficult moments. It helps calm now only him down, but help me take a deep breath as well.
Hi Serenely,
Thanks for sharing your tips as well. Sometimes when the little one is screaming and all, the last thing that we can think of doing is hugging him/her … But, as you shared, it does work at times … Thanks for the reminder too …
Hi Leonny
Only got to know you are relocated to Jakarta recently. Really admire you for being so capable to manage three kids on top of your work! So how are the older kids adjusting? Are they attending to the local or international schools?
This article is a good reminder of how we react in front of our children when we are frustrated. I see my son reacting badly to me when he is angry so I know he has learnt from me. So I need to hold myself whenever I felt angry or frustrated. But this is not easy. Thanks for sharing your ways of anger management . Will keep in mind and apply 🙂
May God’s favor n strength be upon you every day! Take care!
Hi Li Li ,
Thank you for leaving a comment and for sharing your thoughts on it …
The kids are adjusting fine so far … By now we’ve been here in Jakarta for 5 months. The eldest one once in a while still asks us when we’ll be going to Singapore again (coz she misses her friends AND … Koi Bubble tea, haha … )
The eldest now attends a local christian school, while the 2nd is still homeschooled till next July when he starts Primary one …
We choose to not rush him, and let him enjoy playing tennis in the mean time (he now attends Tennis School twice a week =)
Take care, and God bless you too …
Thank you for this very honest post, Leonny. I agree fully. We also do not ever want to cane our kids and try our best to find out what the cause of the naughty behaviour is and address it. It’s not always easy to maintain one’s cool, eh? But we try. We have to 🙂
Thanks Adora for sharing.
Yes, it’s not easy to stay cool. Especially when there’s more than one kid around … situations do get more complex …
Sometimes it happened while I was driving with my two girls. I would lost control and shout on top of my lung, that loud that it really hurt my throat. When all the shouting and reasoning done, I’ll play the rock ochestra music really really really loud. And usually I cool down after the first song finishes. Then I turn the volume down and start talking slowly and calmly about the behaviour… (only happened 3 or 4 times so far), my oldest one is 6.
So whenever we heard that particulay song, we named it “mama’s angry song”. haha
Sigh … yea, I’ve been there too, Linda … shouting on top of my lung while driving, until my throat hurt.
After ‘losing it’ (doing it for 2-3 times within the same week!), I thought about that response and I decided to not do it again … sigh, … I feel so bad actually because I’m in a away teaching my kids ‘how to respond’ when they are also angry the next time … =(
hai.. greetings from indonesia! well, i’m a parent too with one child (yet).. it’s a fun journey with a few bumps.. but we can still blog, eh? i just wrote about anger management on my blog too yesterday, you can read it here.. using CBT, NLP, and Acceptance Commitment Therapy.. we can feel anger but we must control our actions, committed to the values and principles we hold dearly.. thanks for writing such an inspirqtional post..
Hi Reza,
Thank you for leaving a comment =)
Learning to stay in control of our own emotion, .. yes, that’s definitely what we all need to do …
(Saya sudah di Jakarta juga nih btw, belum lama pindahan dari SG =)
wow nice sharing experience…. very human. I like the way you write them all..
how you overcome all the anger with one good attitude. No something physical involved. I can feel it….
Thanks for leaving a comment too ya.
I guess we all have encountered such situations at some point in life …
Hi Leonny, completely agree with all what u have said . I always feel that children pick on you only when ur busy, tired, sick, exhausted or worried about some family issues.. That’s when things go out of control and testing time for us .,, I agree that we must be cautious with the words we spill when we are mad at them . I avoid that too. Spilling milk thing happens in my house too and that’s one thing I can’t tolerate because she’s not a baby and she knows how to drink without spilling the pRoblem here is playfulness .. In school during snack time they all are well behaved and I have seen them eating without spilling and talking to each other. My thing is when u can have proper table manners at school why not at home? sometimes I feel it’s just that they take me for granted? Err.. God knows. Like u said parenting is a learning journey and am learning every day too…
I totally know what you mean when you said somehow you feel the kids are taking us for granted. I do have such feelings every now and then.
Somehow, it’s inevitable I think … (ie. Kids taking us for granted). That happens to all parents, and although it doesn’t mean we should then stop teaching them to appreciate life and their parents, I guess knowing that it’s ‘normal’ kind of helps us in dealing with their lack of appreciation ? =)