Parenting : Understanding Children and Their Selfishness
As a parent, I struggle with this topic very often.
I agree and realise that we all are selfish beings. We are sinners and we are all born selfish (yes, from the moment a baby cries ‘Waaaahhh’, he does not know just yet the concept of putting other people’s needs ahead of his own).
I know that little babies need time to develop, grow up and learn what it means to not be ‘selfish’.
I know we cannot ‘expect‘ children them to live out a life that’s un-selfish at a young age, and this is regardless of how consistent we parents are in teaching them this value.
I know it’s part of growing up.
Thing is, knowing all that does not mean I always understand my kids’ selfishness though.
I admit, lately I often feel irritated easily whenever I see displays of selfishness at home. I tell the older ones off and I am just less patient with them. I somehow feel, tired. It’s like ‘Really, … haven’t I been teaching you this, ALL THESE YEARS?’
…
After I reflected on what’s been happening, I think the main issue is actually … me and my expectations.
I’m guilty of this.
I mean, I really should learn to be more understanding and not feel upset easily when my older kids display selfishness very often. They’re after all learning to apply what they’ve been taught, and we all know it doesn’t happen ‘overnight’. Plus, it’s not that I myself am THAT selfless.
Anyway.
I’ve been reading up quite a bit on this topic, and I’d like to share with you some excerpts from Dr Kevin Leman’s book (‘Have a New Kid by Friday’).
– Kids, by their nature, are selfish, having little ‘social interest’ in anyone else. All they care about is themselves. Life is truly ‘all about me’.
– Every parent has a responsibility to guide their child towards selfless behaviour and thinking of others. In my seminars, I ask parents, ‘Why do we stop at stop-lights?’
‘Because it’s the law, and you don’t want to get a ticket,’ they usually say.
‘The best answer’, I say, “is that we stop so we don’t hurt someone else.’
Note the difference between the two answers – and the fact that the unselfish answer is NOT the first one that came up. All of us are selfish. We live in a self-driven society.
– When you teach a child not to be selfish, you’re actually teaching him to be anti-societal, to be UNLIKE everyone else. But why do you want your child to be like everyone else anyway?
– Modeling giving as a family and as an individual to those who are less fortunate than you is very important.
– Children model what they’ve experienced at home. If you create an environment where children feel loved and accepted for who they are, and they are a part of giving back to your family, then when they leave your home and go out on their own, guess what happens? They do what they’ve been doing in their own home!
– Teach your child selflessness. Then she’ll emerge into society as a giver, not a taker.
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I thought about this a lot lately, and I tell myself that I need to continually learn the art of ‘instilling values’ and ‘guiding’ my kids consistently, lovingly and firmly WITHOUT expecting a ‘quick result’.
Again, there is NO shortcut. Instilling values WILL take years and decades.
And, I need God’s mercy and grace to change my heart and my children’s hearts (a sinful heart that focuses on self all the time, etc).
…
Yes, it IS possible to still encourage selflessness in today’s self-driven society. Let’s start with us and our family.
