Parenting : Watchful of Words We Use to Describe Our Child
“Oh, she’s very naughty!’
“He’s very shy”
“He’s very bad in chinese. Always very lazy when it comes to doing his homework!”
“Oh, she’s taken swimming lessons, but she’s always scared one!”
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How do we generally describe our children?
What words do we tend to use when we describe them to our friends, WHILE they’re near enough to listen to what we say about them?
The reality is, when negative words are used to describe these little ones, they (consciously or unconsciously) will behave according to the label and box that we ourselves have created for them.
For example:
1) Someone gives a birthday gift to a child, and upon receiving, the child does not say anything. No ‘Thank you’, nothing. Parent asks the child, ‘What do you say?’, but the child remains silent. And so two seconds later, the parent says to the gift-giver, ‘Oh, my son is always very shy. Thank you for the present!’
When such a situation arises and the parents takes this approach most of the time (ie. since the time the child is big enough to sort of say ‘Thank you’, or even do a ‘sign’ to say thanks), consciously or unconsciously, the parent is encouraging the child to continue with the ‘shy behaviour’, ie. “If I don’t say anything, my parent will do it on my behalf anyway.”
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2) When talking about Chinese lessons with fellow parents, one parent tends to always describe the younger child as being the one who can do Chinese really well, and describe the older child as the one who is weak in Chinese and lazy when doing her Chinese homework.
When such a situation happens (AND the kids get to hear about what’s been said about them too), there are at least two potential impacts :
– The older sibling (who’s weaker in Chinese) may grow to dislike the younger sibling for being better in Chinese and for having been compared often (and described as the ‘weaker’ one) by the parent
– The older sibling – if she’s not the ambitious type who wants to prove people wrong – may choose to conveniently stay ‘lazy’, unwilling to give any extra effort to learn the language, especially ‘since my parent thinks I’m lazy and can’t do Chinese well anyway!’
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Well, whether we like it not, there is a strong tendency for children to behave according to how they’re described by their parents.
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Now, many may assume that I don’t face this issue as a Mom since I’m writing about this topic, ie. I always know how to control what I say about my kids.
But you know what. I AM prone to making this kind of mistake myself.
(Which actually is the reason why I’m sharing this topic)
As much as I consciously do NOT want to emphasise one kid’s weakness, I sometimes unintentionally talk about their negative side while they may still be able to listen in (only to realise what I have done and how I shouldn’t do it AFTERWARDS)
This is why, I tell myself that I MUST always make a conscious effort to watch what I say about my kids – in front of them – when describing them to others.
(And, when I do share about my parenting struggles with a friend for inputs, eg., I should do it when the kids are NOT around)
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The reality is, our kids may not listen to our instructions, but they DO LISTEN to what we say about them.
(Yes, although they may be playing on their own somewhere not too far away)
Somehow, they just like to listen to adults’ conversation, especially when the adults are talking about THEM.
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There’s still so much that I need to learn (and change) as a Mom.
I’m still far from the standards that God expects of me.
And so as I go through this learning journey myself, my hope and prayer is that as I share what I observe and learn, these sharings can somehow be helpful and insightful to others too.
Have a wonderful week ahead, everyone!
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PS: Here’s a related post that I wrote some two years ago titled “Parenting : When Our Reaction Affects Our Child’s Confidence”
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Ce,mau nanya ya..misalnya dlm contoh kasus yg td cece bil,klo pas anak qta dikasi kado trus dia disuru bil thanks tp ttp diam aja,nah trus kalo qta udh suru dia utk bil thanks dan dia ms ttp ngga mau,gmn dong c? Apa salah klo qta yg bilang thanks k org tsb,maksudku hny bil thanks tanpa embel” oh dia mmg pemalu dll….
Kadang ak bingung juga ya klo sdh ngadepin org laen,anakku yg umur 14 bln ni dr skrg udah agak keliatan klo anak nya agak susah adaptasi dgn org br kenal…jd misal br ketemu sm siapa gt ya,diajak salaman aja ngga mau tangannya ditarik…klo dia begitu,ya aku cmn bilang : ethvan,ndak boleh gitu,om nya mo kenalan sm ethvan,kasi tangannya donk…tp kadang dia ttp aja ngga mau…nah yg ak kuatir sih nanti nya klo sdh agak gede itu kan dia bakal banyak ktm org,masak begitu terus. aku mesti gmn ya ce? Kadang ak mikirnya,dia tuh kyk aku dulu wkt kecil,ya pemalu gitu klo ktm sm org baru,susahnya minta ampun,pasti sembunyi d belakangnya mamaku hehehe
,klo umur segini org masi maklum klo misal dia ga mau shake hand. Tp klo dia udh gede,kan org pasti mikirnya dia pemalu dll,mgk bukan ak yg ‘describe’ dia tp automatically kdg org trus kan nanya: anaknya pemalu ya? Nah trus klo gt mesti menyikapi kyk apa ya ce?
Hello Dina,
Sorry ternyata terlewatkan dan belum reply =)
Ini masukan dan pendapat aku pribadi yah (respons dari sharing kamu diatas)
Biasanya anak kita mmg suka diam dan ga bilang thank you. Terkadang ‘lupa’ / ‘ga terpikirkan oleh mereka’, terkadang mungkin ‘malu’, dan berbagai alesan lainnya.
Dlm kasus spt itu, kalau diingatkan utk bilang thank you nicely by us, dan dia tetap diam, biasanya aku sendiri senyum ke orangnya dan bilang thank you (on the child’s behalf), tapi aku pasti akan selalu ngomong ke anaknya baik2 setelahnya … eg. Di jelaskan bagaimana perlu sekali bilang thank you sendiri ke orangnya next time, dll.
Kalau umur 14 bulan, aku rasa mmg ada anak2 tertentu yang ckp ‘reserved’ dlm arti, lebih krg luwes dengan strangers, dan aku rasa it’s completely normal utk usia Ethvan, maksudnya. Karena masih ada fear / discomfort with strangers.
Dan kalau orang kdg2 yang kasi komentar ke anak kita (mmg sering kejadiannya justru gitu yah … aku jg ngalamin), … kita bisa kasih komentar kembali dengan baik2 ke orangnya, eg. “oh, bukannya pemalu, Ethvan belum terbiasa saja dan lagi sedang belajar utk berani bersalaman dengan orang yang belum dikenal ‘ … Something like that is better than immediately confirming what the other person says about our kid (to me personally).
Btw, anya sendiri juga bukan orang yang comfortable dengan orang yg tidak di kenal. Wkt lebih kecil, dia tipenya perlu waktu lama utk bisa comfortable dengan strangers. Lebih lain dari Vai yang modelnya happy go lucky dan lebih gampang friendly dengan strangers. Masing2 ada keunikan sendiri sbg individual yah. Terus terang aku sendiri suka kdg2 ‘geregetan’ waktu Anya masi kecil … ga mau salam, ga mau nyapa, ga mau bilang thank you (kalaupun bilang, kecillll bngt suaranya). Tp ya terus ajarin, ingetin (sampe ‘cape ngomong’ =), dan aku sndr belajar juga kalau setiap anak itu lain2, dan lain juga dari kita. Kalau kita orangnya gampang bergaul, bukan berarti anak kita jg sama, dan utk kita ‘expect’ anak kita mirip dengan kita dan bisa interaksi dengan strangers seperti yg ‘kita expect’, itupun sbnrnya ga fair utk si anak.
Ya gitu deh … aku sendiri jg bnyk belajar dan ingetin diri …
By now, Anya 7.5yo, she’s muchhhh better with strangers =)
GUILTY! Must watch my words when I talk about my preschooler :o/
Thanks Connie for sharing … Sometimes when with friends, I totally forget to watch what I say about them =( Just need to constantly remind myself …