Parenting : One of the (many) Questions I AVOID Asking Kids
When it comes to conversations with kids (ie. With my own AND with all other children), there are certain questions which I personally avoid.
My reasons? Well, it’s because I feel the questions will encourage the child to think / feel / view something in a way that they shouldn’t.
It’s kinda hard to explain without any concrete examples, … so let me share with you one question which I personally will never ask any children yeah.
(Actually, I won’t ask adults this question too).
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Personally, I won’t ask anything that’s along the lines of:
‘Who do you love more, … your Daddy or your Mommy?’
‘Who do you think love/like/spoil you more, … your Dad or your Mom?’
‘Who do you like better, … your grandpa (Dad’s father) or your Gong-Gong (Mom’s father)?’
‘Who do you think is cuter, … baby A or baby B?’
‘Who do you love the best, … your sister or your brother?’
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And here are my reasons for not wanting to ask such questions:
> I feel such a question (indirectly) puts children in a position that encourages them to unconsciously make an unnecessary (‘unhealthy’?) choice between two options.
I mean, it’s NOT like we’re asking them if they like bananas more than they like apples, if they like red colour better than blue colour, or if they like the story of ‘Cinderella’ better than ‘Red Riding Hood’ (which obviously are totally okay)
To me, such a question in a way encourages the child to ‘favour’ one relationship over another.
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> Children should love both parents (at least, they should learn / be encouraged to love both parents equally). And I personally feel all children should NOT be made to question, compare then decide which parent loves them ‘more’ (because in other words, we’re asking them to decide which parent actually loves them ‘less’)
[Note: Even if a child somehow feels one parent loves him more than the other parent, I still feel such a thought should not be emphasised nor further developed]
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> I personally feel children should be encouraged to love all their siblings too, and not asked to pick one over another, ie. regardless of whether the question was jokingly asked or not.
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> Children should not be encouraged to judge / decide which person/friend/cousin is ‘cuter’, or ‘smarter’, or ‘richer’, or ‘better’ too. They should instead be encouraged to see other people in terms of their strengths (and not their weaknesses), and to value relationships and friendships.
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Anyway, it’s a personal thing.
Like, I always tell Anya and Vai that Mommy and Daddy love them both equally, how they both need to always love their family and look out for each other as siblings, and how they need to learn to respect other people as well.
But then of course, through the years, we’ve encountered others who asked such questions to our children (in a joking manner usually). Such a situation is inevitable and I’m personally fine with it (ie. We can’t filter everything that takes place in our kids’ lives). When such a situation happens and we’re around to hear it being asked to the kids, I’d smile and tell the kids how we BOTH love them, and subtly distract or divert the conversation.
I guess, at the end of the day, what’s more important is the kind of values / principles / teachings that we parents instill in our children and how we ourselves ‘walk our talk’ and learn to continually be a living example to our little ones?
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Care to share your thoughts on this one?
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@Xin :
Hello…
Iya, kadang dlm hal begini2an, kita mmg ga sadar aja yah kalau pertanyaan kita itu ternyata bisa ada efek negatif ke anak (yg sebenarnya posisinya itu perlu selalu ‘netral’ di antara papa dan mama, terlepas dari hubungan papa & mama itu lagi enak atau ga enakan ya).
Kita sama2 saling belajar deh yah … Aku jg masih byk yg perlu diingatkan dan belajar …
Hi Gwen!
It’s been a while … how are you? 🙂
And btw, yep I do agree with you that as parents we should try to steer away from such conversations whenever we can (read: when we’re there when the questions are asked to the kids).
Being tactful and subtle and yet polite at the same time (when diverting the conversation) often is not that straight forward though …
Hi Joanne!
Thanks for dropping by and sharing your stories too!
(it’s always nice to hear insights from others, as we get to learn from other people’s experiences too)
Do stay in touch yeah … and you can always pop by my blog anytime too, of course=)
Hi Amanda,
Yep … I too feel sometimes adults ‘unknowingly’ introduce concepts to little ones, concepts that they actually haven’t thought of IF not brought up by the adults (eg. like what you shared, saying to older sibling … ‘Don’t be jealous, okay?’ etc)
Anyway … I remember that trip to Borders!! =) Yep, was chatting away with friends at the Cafe, haha … If we happen to meet again next time, hope we can at least say Hi to each other yeah!
Hi Christine,
Thanks for being so open about your situation yeah …
Hope you have a wonderful week ahead!
Ci, terima kasih sudah diingatkan. Saya waktu marahan sama suami pernah menanyakan ke anak, sayang mama atau papa, dia jawab sayang papa, rasanya sedih dan ‘marah’ jadi saya bilang “ya udah kalo gitu mama pergi aja deh, ga usah pulang lagi”. Selanjutnya kalo ditanya lagi anak saya jawabnya sayang papa dan mama, ternyata itu tidak baik ya ci…
Hi Leonny,
This is a good post. I am on the same lines of thought as you – these are incredibly loaded questions and although on the one hand we’re not able to “shelter” them from questions of these nature from outsiders, I do feel that I have a responsibility to exercise due care as their parent to manage and steer the conversation if I am present when they get asked the questions.
Hi,
I came across your blog recently. I must say that your blog is very refreshing. I love your perspectives on parenthood (i’m far from there!)
I totally agree with you that the questions you posted should not be asked. I remember being asked those questions a lot in my younger days. To questions like, “who do you love more, mum or dad?” I’ll innocently answer “dad”. Perhaps because I had more play time with him. I believe that answers like that have caused a deep strive in my relationship with my mum which took years to mend.
From my experience, I have learnt to never ask my future kids those questions. Secondly, if my future kids were ever asked those questions and they answer, “dad”, I’ll tell them that they have to love both parents equally because we are a family or something along those lines.
Hi Leonny,
Agree completely. When my no. 2 was born, a close relative said to no. 1: “you cannot be jealous ok?”, a word/concept she had not heard of before.
btw, saw you and the kids at borders last week… our children were all reading together in the kids section… swapping books. Saw you were busy chatting with friends, otherwise I would have stopped by to say HI! Wishing u all the best with your no 3!
God bless u and your beautiful family…
Cheers, Amanda
Hi Leonny,
This post knocked some senses into my head. I often asked my nephews and nieces the not-supposed-to-be-asked questions you mentioned above (Who do you like more, who do you love more, etc). Now I know how wrong I was – won’t do this again. I feel bad now.
Cheers!
Christine