Parenting: Challenging Times We Parents Face
Vai is 3 years and 8 months old today.
And he has shared with us many sweet and funny moments.
Including, many challenging ones as well.
Let me share a little more detail.
In the past three weeks or so, our little guy has been giving us frequent challenging attitudes.
And last week in particular was a tougher one for me because I felt he was being extra difficult even MORE frequently.
…
He’d ignore me when I talked to him.
He’d choose to NOT reply nor respond when I asked him a question.
And when he did answer, his tone of voice was often unfriendly and rude.
He’d whine and request for things that he knew he couldn’t have. And when he didn’t get what he wanted, he’d scream his lungs out and wail to the max.
Like, he would ask for something (eg. sweets), but when he couldn’t have any (because he’s having a bad phlegmy cough, eg.), he’d whine, cry, stomp his feet, and wail. Real loudly. At home AND in public.
…
Early last week, I somehow felt I’ve heard enough screaming, wailing, whining, bickering, and rude replies.
I became a very impatient mommy.
I raised my voice (read: yelled) towards the kids more frequently.
I was grumpy more often.
I got easily irritated at the slightest ‘negative attitude’ from the kids.
I tried to withhold my impatience and anger till my head hurt.
I felt incapable of controlling my emotions.
Sigh.
I knew it’s all just a PHASE that ALL kids will go through.
But knowing how it’s just a ‘phase’ didn’t change the fact that going through it as a parent was hard!
…
And you know what.
Later that week I found out why I was extra intolerant towards the kids.
It’s because I was going through this PMS thing!
I was the one who’s more moody and emotional.
Gee.
Things got better towards the end of the week. Phew. How I thanked God for that.
My ‘PMS phase’ was over and the kids’ ‘challenging phase’ was getting better too.
(Somehow I think it was because I was less moody by then, and therefore I could somewhat tolerate the kids’ negative behaviour better. Hmm)
Anyway.
All this reminded me of a few things:
… as a parent, I need to learn to control myself even MORE than the kids who’re still learning to control themselves
… difficult times and encounters with our kids may possibly be caused by our own emotional roller-coaster
… my journey towards being ‘the kind of Mom God wants me to be’ is still very, VERY long
… I’m SO dependent on God’s grace, mercy and strength to get through every single day
…
Yup. Am learning, still.
Every day.
19 Comments »
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Eileen:
Yes, you’re never alone … what I personally go through, other go through too. I have weaknesses and make mistakes as well, like everyone else. Keep strong and let’s continually ask for God’s wisdom and patience yeah …
Thank God I am not alone… now i know that all mummies go thru this phase.. I trust n believe God for patience and wisdom in upbring. amen!
Yes!!! Must endure and not let them affect me.
xin:
Hello … thank you ya buat sharingnya.
Sbg sesama mama, ngga mungkin kalau kita ga pernah ga sabaran / emosi / marah sama anak2 … lha kitanya jg sama2 orang berdosa dan byk kekurangan yah …
Aku pribadi percaya, … asal kitanya sendiri juga rela utk berubah dan dibentuk Tuhan, pelan2 kita sendiri berubah, dan lebih belajar berbijaksana dalam bereaksi thd tingkah laku anak. Aku sendiri banyak harus belajar juga utk terus sabar dan mendisiplin tapi bukan dengan emosi yang tidak terkontrol.
Anya dan Vai yang pasti juga bukan angels, krn mereka jg ada masa2 melawan / ga sopan / cuekin orang tua / ga apresiatif, dll.
Nah, soal berkarya (eg. nyoba2 nge-bake) … itu aku percaya tetep bisa di coba2 di waktu2 yang ada … misalnya, aku waktu coba nge-bake itu ga selalu pas anak2 lagi awake (ie. kdg nge-bakenya pas mereka udah tidur malem 🙂 Atau pas lagi nyoba jait sesuatu, aku sambil temenin mereka di meja makan dan sambil ngobrol2 sama mereka misalnya 🙂
Anyway, thank you buat sharingnya. Sering2 ya … 😀
Michelle:
Thanks for sharing ya …
I guess it’s a learning phase for both the parents and the kids.
The kids go through a challenging phase themselves and are frustrated at their inabilities (or ‘lack of freedom’?) to do things the way they want. And the parents, … they’re learning to deal with such tantrums and demands wisely and learn to control their emotions as well while at the same time teach the children.
Never an easy learning journey when we’re shaped by God, … but when we cling on to Him and His grace and strength, we’ll go through each hurdle one by one.
I’m learning to cling on …
Samantha:
ah well… then we both need to learn to endure the phase and be extra patient then huh?
Hope you’re hanging in there too, Sam …
Gwen:
Thanks Gwen for the encouragement! … somehow it’s one of those phases that three year olds go through yeah …
One of the ways God uses to shape me and my characters too, I’m sure.
Sure need to learn to be more patient.
Jennie Chiong:
Thanks heaps for sharing.
I’m sure you have a different set of challenges yourself with a job to manage, a household and 3 boys.
Nice to have fellow parents who can share their experiences too and encourage one another. Thank you.
mnhl:
Thanks for sharing ya … I feel your situation is somewhat tougher than mine because you have extended family who can be involved in a not so pleasant way sometimes.
(though having them around helps too, I’m sure … because you have the extra hands when dealing with the house and when you need someone to help and babysit for a while … yes? no?)
I’m learning to be extra patient these days … And hope your son grows out of his challenging phase too ya …
Jillian:
I totally agree with you. When we’re impatient, the kids will somehow be ‘impatient’ and easily frustrated / cranky too. When we’re more relaxed, the kids will be less tense too (though they can still be challenging of course 🙂
Somehow I feel I’m going through a phase where I sure need to learn to be extra patient in life (and my kids’ behaviour is just part of my own learning journey too)
Jayne:
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and experiences too, Jayne.
Although my reply to your comment comes a week after you first left it, I read your comment just as soon as it was written and published by you…. and it sure was encouraging. Thank you.
I guess it’s just one of those phases that we parents sure will go through ya ..
Jie, artikelnya pas banget. Akhir2 ini anak saya (ce 3.5)jadi tambah ‘nakal’, disuruh sekolah atau les nangis terus dari awal sampai selesai, ga mau nulis, disuruh apa2 ga mau dengerin. Setiap hari harus diteriakin, kadang2 saking kesalnya jadi saya pukul (maaf-pantatnya). Memang kalau habis marah atau pukul anak rasanya menyesal sekali dan jani dalam hati besok ga mau marah2 lagi, tapi besoknya selalu terulang terus. Kadang saya suka berpikir apa ci Leon ga pernah marah atau mukul anak ya? soalnya kalau liat blognya cici kayaknya anya dan vai ‘gampang diatur’ ya, sampai cici bisa bikin kue atau berkarya tanpa digangguin sama anak2.
Hi Cie… ^^
Not to say that I understand what you are going thru – since I am not yet 20 and have not even had a bf – but I kind of understand how Vai thinks. Hehehe, believe it or not my memory can trace back as far as I was just 2yo, so somehow I still can recollect my toddler period memory.
Just to share, when I was at Vai’s age I was relatively calmer (i’m a girl like Anya!), but also had learned this big big big desire to get everything in control like how adults did, yet realizing my limitations such as shorter heights, limited vocabs to express stuff, inability to even scrub my back and wash my own hair properly (moreover to handle bigger things!). These limitations was the major contributions to being frustrated for not getting what I wanted and therefore demanded mama and papa to do them for me; if I did not get it I would refuse to talk to anyone and hide under my parents’ bed, which is inaccessible by adults, and stayed there the whole day as a ‘threat’ (only when I wanted to poop/wee wee then I came out). Boys are naturally wilder and rougher in this ‘expression of frustration’, anyway, so they might require xtra effort.
Oh well, I’ll leave it to each mother how to deal with this matter according to her own creativity and the child’s own character. ^^ GBU
Leonny – you’re not alone. Right now, Cayden’s behaviour is exactly like Cayden. OMG…
Hi Leonny,
It’s tough, and I kinda know where you are coming from because we’ve also been having many challenging moments with our 3 year old in the past two weeks.
But let’s keep on persevering, knowing that in time to come, our hard work upfront now will bear fruit. Remember, the One who gave you your little blessings will also give you the grace and wisdom (and patience!) to be a good parent to them.
God bless, take care and hang in there!
Hi Leonny,
I fully understand how you feel…for myself, I’ve 3 sons and I went through and still going through the same experience at times… …
Not forgetting as working parents, my hubby & myself face challenges at work. Coming home, the challenges from our boys. We remind one another that we’re venting frustration at our boys. For us, we keep reminding ourselves they’re our sons and no one will discipline them, except us…
Nonetheless, these are parts and parcels of the growing up phase for our kids…Do endure…I’m sure with patience & the necessary discipline on our kids, they will grow up fine. Let’s enjoy parenthood.
My son is nearly the same age as Vai (3 yrs 7 mth) and is very STUBBORN and difficult to handle sometimes. When he is good, he is real good. But when he comes to his terrible 4 stage, he can make my life upside down. Sometimes, I also yelled at him when my mood is not good and I realised that by yelling at him, it just make matter worse.
He never listen.
Sometimes, he yelled back at me and I could feel that I’m the one who taught him to speak this way. Monkey see, monkey do.
I always remind myself, this is just a pharse and hope when he grow up later, things will be better. Sometimes, I find it hard to handle because I’m staying in an extended family and involvement from them are just too disturbing. Sigh!
I struggle with these passing phrases as well and you’re right, the more impatient we get, the worse the children seem to behave. It’s as though we feed off each other’s bad vibes.
Patience is something that I’ve yet to learn, being a parent has taught me to be a lot more patient but there is still so much I have to learn. Sometimes I catch myself yelling at the kids and I feel terrible after that. When Ally starts to raise her voice at me, I realise its because I did the same to her. Its really not easy being a parent!
Hey, keep it up 🙂 Is always good to keep reminding ourselves this is a passing phrase. Somehow our mood does affect them as well. My 3.5yo boy is very demanding and stubborn as well whatever he wants he MUST have it. And lots of times i want peaceful and harmony, thus find the easy way out is to give in. Is very hard to be a parent but I always tell myself as long is no harm and no point creating a scene by not giving in.
And I will explain to him later when he cool down why i give in and also sometimes I expect him to take my instruction as mama listens to you too. Not sure am I doing the correct thing?