Our little Anya is FIVE years old, real soon!
Goodness. My little girl turns five next week!
I must say, she’s a cheerful girl, but she needs time to warm up to strangers.
She asks LOTS of questions. She’s into analysing what she sees and hears. She notices and remembers little details.
She often finds it hard to share with others, even with her little brother at times. And I think it’s natural tendency that all ‘firstborn‘ kids have. You know, because they’ve had things FOR THEMSELVES for quite sometime before the arrival of another kid in the family.
And so I’ve been trying to teach her how she needs to learn and think about others more than herself.
[Btw, one of the books that I’d like to read up next is ‘Birth Order‘ by Dr Kevin Leman. It’s about understanding the personality and inborn traits of our children better, because our child’s birth order (ie. firstborn, middle-born, or last born), makes a difference, more than we realise]
She has a tendency to want to be better than her brother (another firstborn trait, I guess?). She’d ask if she’s behaved better, or if she’s obeyed Mommy better than her brother today. And if I notice Vai has a cough, she’d say, ‘Anya is sick too’
[Whenever such cases happen, I tell myself that I need to be mindful of my replies, because I believe we parents should never encourage unnecessary ‘sibling rivalry’ between kids]
She likes books, and I think it’s because of her love for books and reading that she can now read quite well for her age.
She likes to know how to do something, fast. And when she tries out something new and can’t quite know how to do it after trying it out a few times, she’ll start complaining about how difficult the task is, and she’d want to give up. When that happens, she needs continual encouragements from us, until she’s confident about what she does (and frankly, this is when our patience gets stretched and tested).
[Anya and her school homework : Daddy encouraged and taught a frustrated little Anya how to write her full name]
Since the beginning of the year, she’s gone through phases where she was VERY rude in her replies and attitude towards me.
She’d stomp her feet, walk out as I was giving a serious talk, roll her eyes and look away, scream at my face, refuse to be with me, frown and look at me straight in the eye rebelliously.
There were times when I was furious. Lost for words. Completely heart-broken. Helpless.
And I pray double hard for God’s wisdom when such moments happen, because I consciously never want my emotions take control of my words and actions. Really, while I work out how to best discipline her in such cases, I never want to burst into irrational anger, and regret it all afterwards.
It’s tough. And I sure had my share of parenting mistakes.
…
In the past five years, Anya and I have gone through lots of ups and downs together. There were times when I struggled to put my impatience and anger under control. Times when she’s very unhappy with my decisions too, I’m sure.
But Anya, if you’re reading this many years from today, know this:
Things may not always be easy for Mommy and Daddy, but as I always say to you, we love you not because you’re a good girl. You may be good and obedient one day, and you may be disrespectful and rude on another. We love you just the same. And Jesus loves you even more than we do.
Whenever you misbehave, we feel sad about it. And God is sad too. God has given you to us as a wonderful little gift close to five years ago and it’s because we love you so much that we must be hard on you at times, and discipline you in order to teach you what is right and wrong.
I too am learning. As your Mommy, I learn to do and say what’s right. I learn to live out my beliefs and principles as consistently as possble. I learn to be the kind of parent God wants me to be – one who’s been given a task (a responsibility, a privilege) by God to bring you up according to HIS ways.
You’re a gift from above, Anya. You teach us things about life more than you ever know.
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my galfrz got a 5 yrs old son but his behaviours at times will be naughty when indoor & outdoor… he is those type of super hyper-active kid. whenever i come over to visit/play wiv him, he didn’t wana me to go home and cried out loudly & shouted aloud until my galfrz has to bring him into d bedroom to let him cry it out & eventually, fallen asleep. His is good boy at times can listen but most of d times, he wana gain attention and dun want other kids to enjoy d things tat he didn’t hv it with him. he will said he wanted to push them down & beat them, crying & shouting aloud again… any 1 can share with us how we can find some references (subject/arthurs), seminars that me & my galfrz can attend etc? Hope to hear from you guys soon. Thank you.
Hi Leonny, children will get little out of hand at times, dun blame urself, u have stride well so far, keep it up! You may like to check with Anya: Was she being bullied in class? Anybody beat her? U can help her by talking to the teacher if so. Have the teacher know and help u to look out for it. Did she show signs of unwillingness to go to school recently? Did she fall sick easily? Is she envious ur time with Vai when she was in school? U may buy story books on all these to share with her too, such as how to share, how to protect oneself against bully, etc… Dun worry, hug her tight tight everytime with Vai b4 she goes in class and after school. Think she also feel abit loss that u did not accompany her to school these few days. Children sometimes have a lot to tell us but u noe, they are not good in telling feelings. U may encourage to say out, tell her feelings. Girl are often abit emotions and attached to mommy. Do u remember u are like that also, may be yes or not.. . Also, I sincerely wish Anya, A happy belated Birthday!!
Hsin :
Thanks for sharing…
I don’t know if you’ve already implemented this, but if I may share … one approach I personally find less ‘confrontational’ (at least from my side as the parent) that I often (though not always) implement to Anya when she misbehaves is :
– I refrain from ‘scolding’, raising my voice, or anything physical (which I usually don’t apply anyway to my kids)
– I tell Anya in a matter-of-fact way (clear and firm) that I never want to discipline her, but if she continues with her attitude one more time, I have to discipline her (lately I don’t tell her what’s the ‘consequence’ … In the past I usually did)
– And when she tests me again (which almost always is the case), then I don’t say a word, and I casually lift her up, and take her to a separate place (eg. a bedroom with lights on if at night, a chair that’s away from everyone else, … somewhere secluded).
– I tell her in a clear and authoritative voice (ie. no shouting/threatening) that she needs ‘time’ to think about what she’s done, whether it’s something that she should be doing. And I tell her, she can only leave the room if she already knows and gives it a good thought. Then I leave her alone and if it’s a bedroom, I close the door. (and usually she’d be screaming etc). I then casually continue with what I was doing earlier on (eg. cooking, etc) and ‘block out’ my ears.
– I return after 3 mins, and if she still refuses to speak or behave in a polite manner, out I go again, and she’d be alone again for 5 mins (screaming and crying).
– It’s only when she’s ready to tell me what she’s done wrong in a polite way and apologise that I’ll come into the room (otherwise I just stand by the door) and talk to her.
– I hug her and tell her my thoughts on why I need to discipline her etc, but after that I don’t engage myself in play with her. I do talk and chat but I maintain my seriousness. I want her to realise that I’m serious with what’s just happened.
– And at night time, during our usual bedtime routine (reading and praying), she’d pray by herself, say what she’s done and ask for forgiveness.
…
It sure is draining when it happens frequently, isn’t it. Ya … I’ve been there … and to me, it does help if my husband is around, because if I’m too tired and mad, I’d choose to not say much, and let my husband handle her (using similar approach). At least this way, I get a bit of a break from the pressure.
…
Hope your girl gets over this phase real soon!
Grace Koay:
Thanks Grace … and thanks too for the birthday wishes! (She’s celebrating it at Sunday School today … yay! 🙂
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Shuey:
Thanks ya… And I totally agree … the learning journey never ends, and that’s one beautiful thing about parenting isn’t it …
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Anne :
Iya, ne … as our kid grows, there’ll be more challenges for sure because he’ll be able to express what he wants and needs. Working out how to best discourage negative behaviours and assert positive habits is the challenge we parents face ya …
and yes, I agree … it’s somewhat tougher if kids are ‘compared’ with other kids in the family by our family members.
All the best!
Siska :
Thanks Sis for sharing. I’m sure all of us have gone through down moments where we acted in a way that we shouldn’t have.
I remember how one night I felt so down about being overly mad at Anya so often (every single mealtime, for a few days) after I gave birth to Vai. And one night I totally broke down next to her bed while she’s sleeping, and the next day I came down with mastitis and fever. Emotionally and psychologically down caused it, I think.
I learn kids are kids, and they have their feelings, wants and needs too. They are not robots who’ll ‘obey’ us all the time. The challenge to us is ‘how’ to respond as wisely as possible whenever their wants are not according to ours.
It’s tough. But that’s where being a parent shapes us and our character too, I think.
I was reminded last Friday in our fellowship, that we sure can ride through tough times, when we rely on God’s strength, not ours.
All the best ya, Sis!
Thank you for sharing about Anya. My daughter S will be five in a few weeks too and I’m facing the same struggles with her, both in terms of her attitude towards us, her parents, as well as her jealousy of her little brother. Similar to Anya, she only started displaying this type of behaviour in the past five months. My husband and I were just discussing this evening if it’s just inherent in her character, or if it’s really a product of being an aggressive first-born. I feel assured reading your post today knowing that we are not alone and that perhaps this is more commonplace than we think.
I love my daughter dearly and hate the almost daily fighting/nagging/threatening/scolding that goes on around here as a result of her attitude. I want to show her positive attention and not give in to her active campaign for negative attention, but it’s so hard when she does her best to be unpleasant. Still, I hope to break the cycle and find a way to encourage her positively so that we can all have a more pleasant time at home.
So thank you again. I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, but this is the first time I’m commenting. Keep up the good work here!
And happy birthday to Anya!
gua ampe terharu nih baca posting lu yg ini.. gua lagi bener2 dilemma banget in how to discipline bryan, in this past week dia udah mulai throwing tantrums klo gak dapet yg dia mao, kalo gua mao turutin..takutnya ngelunjak..tapi kalo gak diturutin..dia bakalan nangis2x 🙁 and things can get a little bit hard when your baby had a cousin in about same age who seem more easy than yours, peoples can compare for sure, but as his mother I also growing up together with him, trying to understand what his needs and find a better approaching plus pray everyday, may He give me wisdom 🙂 thanks for sharing yah le.. 🙂
I too agree with Grace, when you are writing something out from your heart truthfully, you will then write them down naturally and beautifully.
I am also learning to be a mummy, I believe the learning will never end. Let’s keep it up!
Beautiful and beautifully written!
Happy Birthday in advance Anya! May your 5th birthday be full of wonderful surprises and may all your wishes come true!
duh, gw stlh baca ini jadi nangis. krn timingnya sih pas bgt. gw lagi di rmh tmn. kmrn barusan gw marah ama JL. duh, gw selama ini marah ga pernah sampe semarah kemaren. sampe tuh anak gw cabik2 di dpn temen2 gw. gw marah sampe gw sendiri nangis. gw selama ini mah yg namanya nangis tuh ga pernah nangis krn saking marahnya. gw rencana nginep rmh tmn gw, R. emang gw tau JL tuh ga gitu suka ama temen gw yg ini, krn dia orgnya emang strict abis. pas kita suruh mandi, JL ga mau. ga pernah dia berontak sampe tahap kaya kemaren gitu. duh, perasaan gw jg campur aduk pas kmrn itu, marah, malu, ga enak ati ama temen gw dan tuan rumahnya. klu di rmh sndiri, gw msh ada rotan. gw ga pernah bawa rotan pas jln2 lah. ya udah, akhirnya gw cabik2 dia. sampe merah biru pipinya. saking marahnya, gw sampe nangis sesegukan. duh, malu2in bgt. akhirnya temen gw yg lain, K, tawarin rmh dia utk kita stay overnight. JL emang lbh suka si K ini. pas pulang ke rmh K, tanpa berantem, nurut aja JL pas disuruh mandi. si JL mgkn trauma jg kali gw becek2 cabik2 kaya gitu. malem pas udah bobok, dia sampe mimpi kali. lama pula, selama 1 jam, dia tangannya mukul2 dan kaki tendang2. persis kejadian pas di kamar mandi temen gw si R itu. dejavu bgt gw merasanya. paginya gw tanya JL, knp kemaren malem di rmh R dia ga mo dgr kata gw, suruh mandi, knp nangis duduk lantai tendang2 kaya gitu. dia bilang sih terus terang, klu dia ga suka R. R not nice katanya. gw sih nyesel krn udah physically nyakitin dia. krn gw jg udah capek marah malu smuanya lah. duh, sori, gw jd curhat gini. abis fresh bgt sih kejadiannya. dan elu disini share soal learning to do and say what’s right sbg seorg nyokap. dan gw kmrn did the exact opposite