Learning to tackle : Kids and their behaviour
Now here’s a little update on the kids and their behaviour.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
To start off positively, so far they’ve been quite okay. Well at least according to my standards (and especially when compared to their increasingly negative attitudes towards the end of our Jakarta trip recently!)
When we’re out or when we’re at home, the rate at which they whine, cry, sulk, frown, reject, roll their eyes, talk back and reply in a (very) rude and unappreciative manner has pretty much gone lower.
But.
Having said that, there are times (of course) when their behaviour is simply put, challenging.
Like when the older one seems to forget how to speak like a normal person and chooses to sulk and be extra whiny.
In general, when it comes to Anya, I do have quite a few approaches, but lately I’ve been implementing this:
I tell her firmly (and sometimes casually, depending on her ‘frequency rate’), ‘if you choose to raise your voice and whine , you can go and stand near the wall or somewhere further, because I can’t hear nor respond to whiny or screamy voices. It’s only when you start speaking in an acceptable way that I can start listening to you’. At times, I’d just give her a firm look (that basically says ALL THAT above) and she knows what I mean. This method works quite alright so far. The results may not always be ‘immediate’ though. And sometimes by the time it works, my mind has already gone numb!
Now, the younger one. He’s a different sort.
He’s not really the emotional and whiny type, but he sure is more ‘experimental’. He may be curious with what a ball can do if thrown high up in the air NEAR our TV, and what a little nice stroke of a pen would look like on our sofa! He may insist on his wants and complain real loud when we don’t let him have it.
With him, I need to vary my approaches, and there’re several that I tend to implement. In general though, if he refuses something that he should be having, I’d talk to him calmly and give him a bit of time. But if that doesn’t work, I may go for the ‘B doesn’t happen, until A is completed’ (Dr. Kevin Leman in one of his books recommends this technique too), eg. he doesn’t get the (‘very’ diluted) Ribena he’s been wanting to drink UNTIL he stops crying and gets back to tidying up his mess and toys. Or he doesn’t get to play with his favourite truck (the one he’s been asking for), until he finishes up his milk.
For behaviours like scribbling on places he shouldn’t have, I’d usually give him a very serious and unhappy eye contact, point to what he’s done, ask him in a very firm voice what he just did, whether it is right and whether he can do it again in the future (I squat down to his level, hold both his hands, ask him to look at me in the eye, and talk to him). I would then explain why what he did was unacceptable, and depending on the level of his ‘misbehaviour’, I may just talk to him seriously, OR I may need to give him some time-out, away from everyone (eg. in his room, or at a corner somewhere).
…
Now, life would be pretty dull without such ‘colourful incidents’, wouldn’t it? *smile*
No but really, other than THOSE challenging moments – which thankfully don’t occur ALL the time – I do notice how my kids’ behaviour has improved.
And I guess, that is what’s more important, isn’t it?
To learn and be less stressed-out over ‘small things’, to be thankful to God for the strengths given that have helped us get through the day, and to focus on the improvements rather than the mistakes.
After all, we parents are learning too.
Yes, it’s all easier said than done. But I tell myself, it really is not impossible for anyone to do. With God’s help, of course.
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Hi Jack!
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment!
I love Dr Kevin Leman’s books and I’d gladly recommend them to people.
Just shared about the ‘Making Children Mind without Losing Yours’ book on my blog, and your comment and video link came just IN TIME 🙂
Thanks for the link!
I like Dr. Kevin Leman too. I met him when helping him produce his video series “Value Packed Parenting.”
Since then, I’ve supported his efforts to make parenting easier by devoting a blog to his video series.
Watch a short clip from Making Children Mind without Losing Yours
at KevinLemanVideos.blogspot.com
I think his latest book release “How to Have a New Kid by Friday” is good too.
see… i think that’s part of the problem. she loves a lot of things, she loves doing a lot of things too. but she doesn’t mind when i ban her from doing them or when i take the doll or bear or all the things she loves from her. so yeah… i’m still yet to discover what really precious to her. i guess if i can take oxygen supply from her, i’ll try that, too. hehehehe. nah, just kidding
Sandra :
Oh yes, time warnings … I do give them too and I agree, it helps in preparing the kids of what’s to come and when it’ll happen.
Thing is, Anya’s whining can be anything from waking up and asking me for things in a whiny tone. Thankfully, things are a little bit better lately … 🙂
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Siska:
Uh oh … JL is one tough kiddo ya …
Just to share with you what I heard recently (a parenting seminar VCD, by Rev. Tong) …
when we need to put across a message strongly to a child (in order to educate / teach her something important of course, not to merely ‘threaten’ the child out of ‘molehill’ situations), then you must find out what’s really important / precious to her first, eg. a little princess book she really really loves, or …
It is when something happens to THE THING that she really treasures, that the child will start to take notice (ie. lesson to be learned will ‘sink in’ better), ie. if our previous warnings are ignored by the child too.
Watching the VCD reminded me too how we parents must ‘talk less’ (eg. nagging and repeating ourselves when our child makes a mistake or is about to misbehave, and instead, teach through actions and through giving examples.
Easier said than done ya … 🙂
January Jones:
Thanks for dropping by my site and leaving a comment! What a nice surprise …
And thanks for letting me know about your book too! Will sure check it out!
Cheers!
Hi Leonny,
I love your blog and website.
You need to get my book for Christmas, Thou Shalt Not Whine…The Eleventh Commandment. It was voted the #1 Best Book to be given Anonymously! there’s lots of fun stuff for whining kids and parents that you might enjoy.
It might help you and it couldn’t hurt you. Remember, there will be No Whine in 2009 however Wine is just fine!
January Jones
hmm…. JL has a bit of both of anya’s problem with whining and a lot of vai’s problem with experimenting.
food or drinks or treats can’t bribe her. time out doesn’t bother her. me ignoring her all day (literally all day as there was one day when i was really upset with her) doesn’t make her care less. take toys or activities from her doesn’t annoy her. she’s happy with just talking to herself. when i threat her to go to supermarket without her and i DID carry out my threat, left her at home all by herself for that half an hour span and when i came back from my grocery shopping, she didn’t care either, as if nothing happened, she just greeted me, hi mum, you’re home. aarghhhh….. yes, she does make life VERY INTERESTING indeed. and i have to resort to caning when all means failed. not recommended by children’s behaviour expert, i know… but i tried all. and my last resort works fast and efficiently.
Oh yes – how “interesting” life gets!! hahhahaa 😉
oh to add to the above – i also give out time warnings when we have to change activity – like in 15/10/5mins we need to go, or when the long hand of the clock reaches 8 we are going – it greatly reduces the whining when we do have to go.