Parenting Tips and Thoughts – Communication Tips for Parents and Kids
From : www.kidsource.com
“You never listen to me” is a complaint heard as often from children as parents. Good communication helps children and parents to develop confidence, feelings of self-worth, and good relationships with others.
Try these tips:
> Teach children to listen. Gently touch a child before you talk. Say their name.
> Speak in a quiet voice. Whisper sometimes so children have to listen. They like this.
> Look a child in the eyes so you can tell when they understand. Bend or sit down. Become the child’s size.
> Practice listening and talking: talk with your family about what you see on TV, hear on the radio or see at the park or store (Talk with your children about school and their friends)
> Respect children and use a courteous tone of voice. If we talk to our children as we would our friends, our youngsters may be more likely to seek us out as confidants.
> Catch children and teens being good. Praise them for cooperating with you or their siblings, or for doing those little things that are so easy to take for granted.
> Use door openers that invite children to say more about an incident or their feelings.
“I see,” “Oh,” “tell me more,” “No kidding,” “Really,” “Mmmhmm,” “Say that again, I want to be sure I understand you.”
> Praise builds a child’s confidence and reinforces communication. Unkind words tear children down and teach them that they just aren’t good enough.
> Children are never too old to be told they are loved. Saying “I love you” is important. Writing it in a note provides the child with a reminder that he can hold on to.
> Give your undivided attention when your children want to talk to you. Don’t read, watch TV, fall asleep or make yourself busy with other tasks.
Hi Agnes,
I came across these articles … hope they’re helpful:
http://www.focusonthefamily.com/parenting/your_childs_emotions/emotional_development/handling_negative_emotions.aspx
The site has lots of insightful articles worth reading up too.
Thanks for sharing, Agnes.
I won’t say I understand how you feel, because I don’t I can totally know how tough it must’ve been for you both.
There’s this one post I wrote not too long ago, not sure if you’ve come across it:
http://www.oureverydaythings.com/2010/04/our-children-are-a-heritage-from-the-lord/
Do have a read ya. My husband and I attend “Spiritual Formation for children” classes and was greatly blessed and encouraged by them.
One of the things we were reminded again was:
Our children are entrusted ‘to US’. If it’s not ‘us’, then who else would love them the way a parent would ?
When I read about the time he prayed and you prayed, I sensed he’s trying to do things that are the opposite of what you do / ask. It’s like he simply wants to rebel.
And one thing crossed my mind (I don’t know if you’ve tried this approach), … perhaps you can try not to pinpoint minor details of things that you wish he’d change. So he doesn’t feel as if mommy and daddy are expecting him to do this and that all the time. Instead, focus on how he could be positive child of God. eg. instead of saying ‘God pls help him not to bite his nails’, perhaps you can try saying, ‘God, you’ve blessed us all with a healthy body, teach us to look after our body well, our hands, our legs, our nails, our everything …’
Anyway, there’re two books that I can personally recommend. They’re by Dr Kevin Leman:
Have a New Kid by Friday
Making Children Mind without Losing Yours
http://www.haveanewkidbyfriday.com/default.aspx
I’ve read both and the books share LOTS of tips and practical help and approaches to tough situations, and recommendations as to how we should approach it. Highly recommended.
(I think Kinokuniya / Borders sells them)
Anyway, thanks again for sharing … I hope you’d persevere …
Just last nite, as i was praying with him, asking God to help him not to bite his nails.. U know what, later on, when he was praying for both of us. He prayed to Jesus that we will bite our nails.. Holding back my tears.. I kissed him goodnite and walk away..
Thanks Leonny. Appreciates ur sharing. Yes and of course they helps. I am encourgaed to hear that it is normal for my child to behave as such. Frankly, I have cried more than my fair share of tears over my boy. My confidence was shaken. I would wonder if there was some other force @ work in him or fear that he is sick or etc.. That is why we are seeking medical help to assess if our child is not normal.. We have been dragging to do so, as it will be too much for us as parent to hear anything unpleasant from the doc.. Tried and tired, I have been crying out to God & declaring that the discipline thing wasn’t working, he just seemed to fight harder.. I am really tempted to give up, feeling so inadequate, ill equipped and just plain have NO IDEA what to do next, I begin searching for childcare services, so i can less hrs of him.. Howvever, deep within me, there’s this voice saying you can’t run away and give up on this child. Then I was reminded of Psalm126:5-6, Those who plant in tears will harvest wih shouts of joy. They weep as they go to plant their seed, but they sing s they return with the harvest. I want to claim this with all of my strength to trust God for deliverance. Thank You Leonny for hearing me.. 🙂
Hi Agnes,
I missed out the word ‘pray’ in my 2nd point …
Meant to say : – I continually pray FOR her and WITH her
During our daily night prayer together before bedtime, I ask her to name the things that she’s sorry about and ask for God’s forgiveness (ie. I don’t say them for her), and I also pray for her while she keeps quiet, and she also repeats after me.
We have many flaws ourselves and we really need to bring everything in prayer, and ask God to give us the needed strength. I feel, when things are tough, I’m simply reminded of how fragile I am as a person, and how incapable I am as a parent… and how I so need God’s grace, wisdom and patience to go through my days, every day.
Hi Agnes,
It’s been going on for the past 1.5 years? I can only imagine how draining it must be for you 🙁
From what I can share, I know kids do go through ups and downs in their emotions. Some kids who’re more emotional than others will go through stronger emotional rollercoaster, and each one can last for quite a while. It usually stabilises and gets a little better as the child grows up.
Sometimes what I notice is that children can’t quite express how he feels and so he expresses his needs / emotions / longing for something through what we adults see as unpleasant behaviours / attitudes.
Sometimes it can also be due to some other external factors, eg. new environments at school, unsettling changes, new sibling, related family problems that the child can ‘sense’, etc.
(I’ve never heard of a child who asks for the parent to cane him though …. sigh … must’ve been tough on you guys).
One thing I can share, Anya went through a very bad emotional rollercoaster last year (she was 5yo). She was very VERY rude in her behaviours, she backtalked, she threw unreasonable tantrums, she yelled at me (though I didn’t yell at her or raise my voice at all), she’s unhappy with many things, she frowned a lot, she once even refused to look at me and look away while walking next to me…
Although I tried to be as patient as I could (at the same time be necessarily firm to show how her behaviours were not right), it was very draining emotionally for me. I did break down and felt very unappreciated … it was as if I’ve failed somewhere or did something wrong in bringing her up, … or something.
But then, she did come out of that phase, thank God. It lasted for a few months though. On and off (with one particular month filled with many incidents every day, I think)
But then again, that’s Anya, and she’s the more emotional type (seems like every year she goes through such bouts of emotional rollercoaster … some lasted for a good 2 weeks, some …longer)
What I learn is that, keep at it … persevere, and try to avoid countering the child’s tantrums / unreasonable behaviour with our own ’emotional explosions’ (though we’re very much tempted to).
Random things I did at the time:
– at night when she’s all settled, half asleep and the mood is all nice .. I lay next to her and whisper how much I love her, how I was sad whenever she misbehaves or was rude to me, how I still love her, how she needs to remember to not behave the way she did earlier, etc). Anya usually would nod with her eyes still closed.
– I continually pray FOR her and WITH her
– Daddy stepped in whenever it’s possible (eg. when she’s rude towards me in front of him) and told her what she did wrong. sometimes Daddy needed to be the one who raised his voice / sent her to a corner or to her room, and later on, ask her to apologise to me for being rude towards me.
– when I got too overwhelmed with emotions (ie. needing to explode in angry words etc), I looked at her with a disappointed look and I walked away to calm down. It may take 10-15mins, but I got back to where it was left of and talk to her when I felt less inclined to be emotionally unreasonable myself
– at times, I ignored her misbehaviours, but I still acknowledged verbally every single time she misbehaved (so that she knew that I never ‘tolerated’ her attitude although I might not ‘react’ the way she expected)
….
as for sunday school … Vai went to the same sunday school class (toddler class started at 1.5 years old) and each time he went to church, he REFUSED to be left alone. He refused to go into the class! It went on like that every single week, until he started school (ie. N2 early this year).
I have no idea why he was so clingy. It’s as if he felt insecure or something. Things like this I guess we simply can’t quite understand until he grows out of it.
Anyway … I don’t know if what I shared helped you in any way. I hope it can help in one way or another.
But one thing I can say is, every challenging phase will end … and while we go through it (with tears and all), we ourselves learn to change and be shaped too by God …
Praying for extra strength for you all …
hey Leonny, have you got any contract with children physiology? My elder boy, same age as Vai, is getting out of control, up and down since past 1.5yrs. Lately, he is resisting almost everything and anything, from mealtimes to playtime. He has been on sunday school for past 1 to 2 yrs, and recently, he refused to attend. I am v stretched and helpless. We have tried both hard and soft way but.. He even offer us to cane him.. HELP..
Thanks Pat! Hope this site can be a place we moms exchange info, personal experiences and tips!
tat’s nice of u to share the communication skills and website